What went wrong?
That’s all I’ve been thinking about since I got home from the hospital.
What did I do wrong?
[You’re in love with that guy!! you’re an idol, you’re in love with him!!! you’re cheating on us !!!]
Just remembering it gives me shivers and chills that won’t go away.
What in the world did I do?
I have to admit that I disagree with the idea that idols are not allowed to be in love, but even so, I have never been in love. I was told by the office that it was not allowed.
Besides, I’ve never been in love yet.
I am still at that level of wondering what love is. As a woman, I am still immature.
On what grounds am I supposed to fall in love and be hurt?
Or is this irresponsible attitude wrong?
Do I have to be the kind of person who blames myself for all of this, that it is my fault that this has happened?
–If that’s the case, maybe this world is hard to live in. It’s just not for me.
Thinking this made me feel better, as if I had somehow escaped responsibility.
I’ll bring one of the knives from the kitchen at home.
I don’t use it much, so I think it’s one that cuts well.
It’s strange. I would have been so scared of the same knife being pointed at me, but now I don’t feel much fear. I wonder why.
“I’m afraid to do it by myself. I wonder if someone will do it for me.”
I was mumbling something like that, imagining this stinging me. I am indeed afraid of hurting myself.
So I suddenly start thinking about something very out of tune and off the mark here.
–I wondered if I were to be killed, who would be the best person to kill me?
Is it my parents? Or my …… sister.
Aah, but I can’t let my sister do such a pitiful thing like killing her sister. She would probably do it while crying. That makes me sad too.
Well, then, let’s consider removing people who are related to me by blood.
For some reason – really, for some reason – it was Rin senpai who first came to mind.
“Rin senpai, huh?”
I try to picture that person’s face.
—Fufu. If I asked him to kill me, he would definitely get angry. I can already imagine his angry face.
And thinking about Rin senpai, I began to feel a little sad about dying. It’s a strange story.
“Speaking of Rin senpai…”
Checking cell phone line. It doesn’t seem like the kind of action a suicidal person would take before dying.
Still, I check. I’m pretty sure I had several lines and incoming calls in the morning.
When I went to the talk screen with Senpai, I knew there were a lot of them coming, so I scrolled down with my finger and looked at them from the top.
“Fufu, He’s really worried about me. I’m so glad.”
I received many lines from other people, but Rin senpai’s made me the happiest. I felt that Rin senpai was probably the most concerned about my life.
I felt that the others had some kind of ulterior motive behind their messages.
But after about an hour or so, the ceaseless stream of incoming calls like that disappeared. Not a single call from there.
I felt sad. I wondered if Rin senpai had grown tired of me. Did he no longer care about me?
“I’m so selfish.”
This kind of personality is probably what caused this incident. I always think about myself, so I’ve been punished for that.
The heavens gave up on me, my fans gave up on me, and Rin senpai gave up on me.
I don’t have any regrets in this world anymore.
Just when I thought it was time to switch from my cell phone to a knife, I decided it was time to get ready.
One line came.
[Hey, I’m calling you now, and you absolutely have to pick up. Absolutely]
It was Rin senpai. And soon after, a phone call came in.
After some hesitation, I eventually decided to take it. It was because I was somehow expecting it on my own.
[Oh, you’re here! Hold on a minute!]
He called and told me to be sure to pick up, but I had to wait for something. I don’t get it.
I wanted to hang up the phone to hear my senior’s annoyed voice, but I couldn’t because I was afraid I would get really attached to him.
In a room with no other sounds, I listen carefully to the sound coming from Rin senpai’s phone.
Apparently there was someone nearby who said, ‘Hey, is this okay?’ or ‘Just be quiet for a minute, maybe three minutes’.
What is the point of being with others when I am in such a difficult situation? I ask Rin senpai in frustration.
“Hey, Senpai, if there’s nothing else, I’ll hang up.”
Then, Senpai said this
“Okay, I’m ready.”
And he continues.
“I’m not very good at this, but just listen quietly.”
It was the most masculine voice I had ever heard, and it took my breath away.
A beat from there. I heard it from the phone.
The sound of jingling.
That’s strange. Rin senpai didn’t even own a guitar, let alone have the skill to play it.
But the way he played with such faltering technique was definitely not that of a professional. It must be Rin senpai.
learned to play it in a day!? So good …….
But that was not the only surprise.
I heard a song. It was Rin Senpai’s song.
Beautiful voice. Not so much that he is good, but the way he sings, as if he puts all of his feelings into it.
–the way to reach the heart, the way to sing.
Warm tones. Warm melodies. Warm performance.
Listening to it somehow makes me feel warm inside. A warm gas is born from the core of my being, and it fills my whole being.
My body was cold, but my heart was melting.
I fall on my bed and listen with my cell phone close to my ear. Naturally, I beat a rhythm with my fingers.
And if I listen to the lyrics carefully, I realize that this was not a love song. I thought Sensei only wrote love songs. My head can’t catch up with it anymore.
My mind may not be able to keep up, but my heart is at peace, my thoughts are moving sluggishly, and the lyrics of the song are soaking in.
Go for it, go for it! No, we will always be together, so let’s grow together, so let’s rest together. Lyrics like that.
Before I knew it I was in the song. Out of reality.
For about three minutes, I guess. I was surrounded by happiness.
“Uu, gusuu, Ueeeeeeeeee!!!!!”
When Senpai finished playing the guitar for the last time, I couldn’t stop crying.
(TL/N : Wew…That’s kind of dark)
If you enjoy our content, feel free to donate 🙂 Thank you in advance !