Source
https://kakuyomu.jp/works/16817330650731416950/episodes/16817330651852316512
“…………”
I returned home and shut myself up in my room, sitting on the bed alone, reading a script.
I remember meeting my sister at the entrance and having a feeling like she was happy and saying things like, [Oh, Aoi kun, have you been out late at night playing with your friends !?]
Certainly, this would not have happened to me in middle school.
The environment around me had obviously changed as well.
It’s also the relationship with Sakura—
“True self, huh…..”
Suddenly, I lose my concentration.
Instead, what comes to mind is the way back from earlier.
Her smile lit up by the city lights that never sleeps and her….heart-stabbing words.
Sakura said she doesn’t know who she is.
As for the definition of oneself, it may vary from person to person.
For example, some people say that they are the one who can penetrate their will without being influenced by others, no matter what they look like, while others say that they are the one whose feelings come to them openly and frankly.
In the end, it is something that cannot be measured in terms that can be found in the dictionary. In a sense, there is a philosophical aspect to it.
(Well, the current Sakura does not fit into either category.)
Even if Sakura is not the Sakura now, it does not matter what I think.
Even if she has been deceiving herself by pretending to be what others see her as, she is the one who I fell in love with.
There is no way I would be disappointed, much less disgusted. It’s normal for adults to spend their time pretending to be someone they’re not and reading the world around them.
However…..Sakura became an adult too early than others.
“…………”
In a daze, I look up at the ceiling.
I feel like my thoughts are blocked by strange noises.
The fact that I feel this way just thinking about one girl makes me even more aware that I’m in love with her.
(I bet it’s painful.)
Otherwise, I would never have uttered, [I wish I had never become an actress.]
The pain of not being able to find oneself probably comes from the part of her that feels heretical compared to those around. Or perhaps she genuinely feels nothing.
Because the words [joy, anger, sorrow, and pleasure] are not leaked out but put out.
They are similar but slightly different.
The difference is whether you bring out emotions by your own will or whether they come out naturally.
Yeah, it must be an undeniable talent as an actor.
Even if you are not an actor, it is an excellent way to survive in the world of society.
But that is only if you are an adult who knows yourself.
I’m not talking about children who have much to learn.
(……Poor thing)
I’ve walked through life twice, and I wouldn’t be that pessimistic.
I’m divided and I have a strong sense of who I am to begin with. I can define my feelings of liking Sakura as “me” within myself.
But what about Sakura? What if she is old enough to not be called a child, but she doesn’t know the difference between emotions?
There are those who are active and express themselves in a natural way, such as my older sister, and those who are able to separate themselves from their work, such as Kisara, she is the only one who wears a mask.
……Indeed, it is a pity. Even listening to it makes me feel sad.
(This is not sympathy)
I think so because it is Sakura.
I want to help her at the same time.
(If that’s the case, then what am I supposed to do?)
How to take a girl out of the “Sakura Hiiyo” that the world knows.
Sakura said—when she is with me, she has feelings that sometimes seem unusual.
So I should just be with her? Is it such a simple way?
However, I feel that Sakura will end up with “nostalgic” feelings for the rest of her life if I keep doing things the same way I have been doing them.
(Idiot. That won’t work.)
I don’t want to feel nostalgic.
I want her to recognize that it’s natural and that this feeling is herself.
I’m sure that Sakura understands at least the color of her emotions. She just doesn’t know how to draw them out.
I can’t find the key to the box in which she is locked up.
In that case, I should tell her where the key is–so that she can always find herself.
“I just know it’s not that easy.”
Otherwise, there is no way Sakura would have suffered for so long.
So I want to at least…..I want to show her a girl named Sakura, even if it’s just once.
I want to take her out of the box, offer her the answer, so that she can slowly trace the solution method from now on.
“Aoi kun, dinner is ready !”
Suddenly, the door to the room opened.
“……Aoi kun. What’s wrong?”
My sister looks at me and tilts her head.
“What do you mean?”
“Hmm….I think you’re different than usual? I feel like you’re in high spirits?”
My sister probably doesn’t know what I’m thinking.
I myself don’t know what’s going on with my face like my sister thinks.
What I know is—
“You know, I feel like I’m blessed.”
I have a sister and parents who never gave up on me.
I had a place where I could express myself when I look back, even if it was only my first life, which was full of regrets.
On the contrary, Sakura’s surroundings were so small that no place existed where she could expose herself.
That is why I.
“I want to create such a place for her.”
I will definitely find out what to do.
Not to get her to fall in love with me, not to become a man who can stand up to her.
I don’t want the girl named Sakura Hiiyo to suffer.
“…..I see.”
My sister has a soft expression on her face, not to mention anything else.
Even though I suddenly said something out of context, I didn’t say anything specific.
Then she came up to me and started gently patting my head.
“Do your best.”
Only now, my sister’s words soaked into my heart well.
The touch on my head felt so warm.
The moonlight pouring in through the window seemed much brighter today.
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