Source
https://kakuyomu.jp/works/16817330665217759411/episodes/16817330666157509739
……I had been thinking all day that day.
I was thinking all day that maybe I should tell Nakahara that I have ADHD.
[This is just my own speculation, but I don’t think there’s much point in saying a lot of things to Kitagawa-san right now…I think it’s just annoying to you.]
[Then it’s better for you to shut up and stay next to her. That’s what I thought.]
I’m a developmentally disabled person who can’t do many things well at all, and the only person who sat next to me without telling me was …… him.
Everyone scolded me to be “normal”.
[Why can’t you do this? Did you listen to your teacher?]
[Mari, I’m going to send you to a normal school, Because if it’s a school for people with disabilities, it’s embarrassing to the neighborhood. Even though you have ADHD, it’s only mild, and you can do it normally, right?]
[Are you crazy, Kitagawa?!]
[Ccrazy! Crazy!]
“……………………”
Normal is a painful thing for me. I can’t be the same as everyone else. I am always left behind. That’s why no one has ever been next to me. I was always running in front of everyone else and trying my best to catch up with them.
But only Nakahara sat next to me ……. When people find out I have a developmental disability, they ask me how I am nicely, but Nakahara was kind to me even though he didn’t know I had a developmental disability.
(I wonder if I would feel a little more at ease if I could confide in him. ……)
With these thoughts in my mind, I came to the counseling department after school.
“……?”
But in front of the door, I couldn’t understand what was going on.
A girl with gray hair was sitting on the floor, crying for some reason. And Nakahara was next to her, comforting her? It looked like Nakahara was consoling her.
I looked at the girl’s face and my first thought was …… “I feel like I met her yesterday”.
I think I saw this girl on my way home yesterday……? I’m not sure why, but she must have been staring at me. I don’t remember much.
(I mean, ……, she’s pretty cute, isn’t she?)
Her eyes are round, she has a round face, and she’s just plain cute. But the dark circles around her eyes, the large tear troughs, and the fact that she is so pale give off an air of someone who is not very happy.
But still, what’s going on?
“……, what are you doing? Nakahara.”
I asked, and Nakahara looked up.
“Ah, Kitagawa san. No, I’m just in the middle of something …… something to discuss?”
“No, it’s not a consultation or anything like that, but there’s something I wanted to say to …… Nakahara.”
“Something you want to say?”
“Yeah.”
“……I see, I’m sorry. If it’s not urgent, can we do it tomorrow or later? It might be a little difficult today.”
“……………………”
Well, …… that’s normal, I knew that too. Because no matter how you look at it, that girl looks like she’s in trouble.
I thought it couldn’t be helped… but I felt a little hesitant.
Even I had something important to do. I was mentally preparing myself asking Nakahara. But… it’s not me today.
“……………………”
“……Maybe Kitagawa-san also had something ……important to do?”
….I looked away from Nakahara, who was staring at me, and nodded.
“I see, Kitagawa san too….hmmm I’m in trouble”
“…………………..”
“I’m really sorry, but I’d like to give priority to Nishida-san, who has a prior commitment. I want to be as fair as possible here.”
“……………………”
“I’ll definitely talk to you tomorrow. Ah, and if you don’t mind, how about a Lime exchange? If you tell me over there, I’ll be happy to talk to you at home…”
“…………….soon”
“Eh?”
“I’ll be done soon.”
I pouted at Nakahara with the tip of my lips. It was going to be a talk that would never be over soon, but if I told him that……, he might listen to me right now. I was playing a nasty game like that.
“Will you finish …… soon?”
“Just one, just one question, or rather, I just want to ask …….”
“…………………….”
Nakahara had his arms crossed and his eyebrows furrowed. At that time, the gray haired girl said while sniffling.
“It’s okay, Nakahara-kun.”
“Nishida-san?”
“If it’s going to be over soon, I …… can wait.”
“…… you sure?”
“Yes.”
“………”
“So, I’ll go to …… first.”
“…… okay, thank you, Nishida-san.”
Then Nakahara turned to me and asked.
“Sorry, Kitagawa-san, for keeping you waiting.”
“……………………”
“Is this the right place to talk?”
“…..yeah, I’ll say it in a voice that only Nakahara can hear.”
“I understand. Then what is it that you want to say,…… Kitagawa-san?”
“…… Um, actually, I’m …………”
“Yes.”
“……, I’m ………….”
“……………………”
─ ─ I have ADHD, ……I tried to say so.
But I couldn’t.
At the last minute, I was getting scared again.
The look on his face makes me think, ‘Uwaa..that person has a developmental disorder. This person is crazy’ they always gave me that look when I say it
I had a flashback of that look, and I couldn’t open my mouth at all.
(……I thought that confiding in Nakahara would make things easier. I thought it would make things better.)
But when I think about it, I don’t know what “easier” means in the first place. I mean, my ADHD would not physically disappear even if I talked to Nakahara.
I’ll still be the same, miserable me I’ve always been. I’m just a failure.
“……………………”
I held the hem of my skirt tightly and cried.
I grit my teeth and try my best not to cry, but this annoying drip just keeps dripping.
“Kitagawa-san ……?”
“Ugh……Aaah mouu! I don’t understand ……! It’s so annoying!”
“……………………”
“Duruduru……! I’m so frustrated!”
I wiped my wet face with my hand. But, after wiping and wiping, it’s still wet again.
My cheeks twitch with anger and my head feels hot.
This is why I will always hate myself.
“Gusu, gusu. ……”
“…………………….”
At that time,……, my back suddenly became warm.
Nahakara removed his own school coat and put it on me.
“I could only do so much for …… now.”
………………Naka, Hara…….”
He put his back against the hallway wall, crossing his arms. And he was groaning with his mouth in the shape of a heel.
“Ummm,…… can we talk about Kitagawa-san here tomorrow,……? But I’m definitely going to regret it. …… There’s no way I can leave Kitagawa-san alone in this condition. ……”
“…… Nakahara.”
“But I’m also really worried about Nishida-san, and I feel sorry for Nishida-san, who had a prior commitment,…… and I can’t leave Nishida-san alone,……”
“…… Nakahara-kun”
“Damn! What should I do,……!”
Nakahara was so distressed. For a while, both I and the gray-haired girl watched Nakahara in silence.
“…… Okay!”
Nakahara slapped both cheeks, looked at the gray-haired girl and me alternately, and said,
“Nishida-san, Kitagawa-san, don’t you want a cup of coffee for now?”
“”Eh?””
“It’s cold just sitting here in this corridor, isn’t it? So first, why don’t we go into the club room and warm up?”
“……………………”
“I’m sorry to Nishida-san, who had a prior engagement, and I’m sorry to Kitagawa-san, who is nervous because there are other people there besides me, but I want to make coffee for both of us first. Then we can decide on the details.”
At that time,……, I and this Nishida girl made eye contact for the first time. And since there was no particular reason to refuse,……, I decided to accept Nakahara’s idea.
“……Yes, come in, both of you.”
The coffee cups were placed in front of me and Nishida one by one.
The cups were steaming hot and seemed to be warm.
“Thank you, Nakahara-kun.”
“Yes, here you go.”
Nishida picked up the coffee and drank it quietly.
“Yes, it’s delicious. ……”
“I see, that’s good.”
“I’m sorry, I …… am getting cocoa from Nakahara-kun, but I’m getting coffee too.”
“Ah, that’s fine. I only bought the cocoa because I wanted to make it hot right away. Actually, I wanted to serve coffee properly brewed in a pot like this.”
“I didn’t know this club room had a kettle.”
“Oh, I brought this from home today. So that the counselor can drink it. You can have it, Kitagawa-san.”
“…… yes.”
Nakahara recommended that I also take a sip of coffee.
I could feel the heat of the hot coffee flowing down my tongue and down my throat.
“……I’m sorry for both of you today.”
Nakahara placed a plate in the center of the table and apologized while filling it with many bites of chocolate.
“I am very indecisive. If I don’t refuse or agree to do something like this more clearly, I’ll make the two of you uneasy.”
“No, don’t worry about it, Nakahara-kun. I …… am happy.”
Nishida put her coffee cup on the table and said to Nakahara
“I always thought that Nakahara-kun was a kind person. You can’t leave people who are in trouble alone.”
“No, umm… …… kind? I thought it was the best thing to do, but I still don’t know if it’s really kind or not.”
“…………………….”
“Yes, I have a big pile of chocolate, so feel free to eat a lot of it.”
So saying, Nakahara was the first one to chew on one of the chocolates.
…After that, we didn’t talk for a while. However, a quiet time passed.
But it wasn’t an unpleasant silence. It was the kind of calm tranquility where you drink a cup of coffee…..
“How is it…..Kitagawa-san.”
Nakahara asked me this question after I had drunk about half of my coffee.
“Are you feeling okay? Have you calmed down?”
“…………… yes.
“I see, that’s good. Can we talk about what we were going to talk about earlier now?”
“……………………”
I glanced at Nishida, who was standing next to me.
“……no, not today”
“Eh?”
“We’ll talk about it another day.”
“Is that so?”
“Yeah. I said it would be quick, but that was a …… lie.”
“A lie?”
“I lied because I wanted you to listen to me right away.”
“I see. …… Then, are you sure you’re okay with another time?”
“Yes.”
“I understand. Okay, then tell me again then.”
“Yes.”
Nakahara nodded, smiling gently. And now he turned to Nishida and asked.
“How is Nishida san? Have you calmed down?”
“Yes, thank you.”
“Is everything alright? Do you want to talk about something?”
Right after Nakahara said that, I said to Nishida
“…..If you don’t want me to be here, I’ll leave.”
“Eh?”
“If you have something you don’t want me to hear, I’ll leave. Room.”
“……………………”
Nishida looked at me with her eyes wide open. After thinking for a moment, she replied to Nakahara.
“…..Nakahara-kun, I’m fine too.”
“Eh. Really?”
“I didn’t have anything specific I wanted to talk about,…… but something that happened in the past,…… I remembered what I told Nakahara-kun before, and I was emotionally unstable.”
“……………………”
“But I felt relieved when I met Nakahara-kun. So I’m fine now.”
“…… Really? You don’t have to be afraid okay?”
“Yes, really.”
“……………………”
“Thanks to you, Nakahara-kun, I’m fine. I’m telling you the truth.”
“…… I see. If Nishida-san says so, I believe it.”
Nakahara said this and smiled at us.
“…….”
At that time,……, my heart ached again.
It wasn’t the usual guilt, but something …… else.
Nakahara was laughing at the …… girl. In contrast, there was a slightly strange …… strange pain.
(What is it? This.)
Now I don’t really understand. It was a little early to realize …… what that feeling was.
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