Source
https://kakuyomu.jp/works/16817330650731416950/episodes/16817330652143663270
As soon as I left the room at the scene, I saw Sakura.
I tried to chase her in a hurry, but it seemed that she was walking slowly.
As I found her back and tried to approach her slowly, Sakura noticed my footsteps and turned around.
“I may have misunderstood.”
Her expression was unusual for Sakura, without a smile on her face.
No color of any kind was on it, making it difficult to discern any emotion.
“Do you dislike me, Misaki san?”
But it was such a question that was thrown from her mouth.
If it comes down to whether I like you or not, I definitely like you.
It’s impossible for someone like me, who was so pitifully dragged down by my first love, to start hating Sakura now.
However, I said something that could have been taken that way.
I said those words to her, of all people.
“….It’s not that I don’t like you.”
“Then why did you say those words?”
Step by step.
Sakura approaches me.
“I know that the words Misaki san uttered at that time were not part of the filming. People around may think that you incorporated ad-libs and added direction, but I don’t think so.”
I can’t deny that the words I said to Sakura were just ad-libbed.
But that’s because I want to help her find her emotional boundaries—and I can never say what I really mean.
……This is fine.
I understand it better now that you’ve approached me.
“Misaki san, you must have felt that way about me.”
A distance that seems like it would touch you right away.
A clear anger could be seen in Sakura’s eyes.
(……Really)
It’s painful.
It hurts to see the girlI like look at me like this.
However, even if I try to make up for it here, it will only be a temporary fix, and all of my actions will be half-hearted.
If you’ve hurt her, don’t try to put medicine on her.
That’s not my role, but someone close to her should do that.
If I’m going to pay, I shouldn’t be in a position where I’ve abandoned my role, and I shouldn’t be trying to take away someone else’s character–
“What should I do then?”
When someone applies the medicine…..I have to make sure she can find herself properly.
“I see.”
Thud. Sakura’s feeble fist hit my chest.
It hit my chest again and again.
I know one thing for sure.
“….I know one thing for sure.”
Sakura speaks without looking at my face.
“This feeling is unmistakably anger. Thanks to you, I realized it. And the emotion that usually disappears still won’t go away.”
That was probably because there was an emotional discrepancy between the character she was playing and the emotion she was feeling.
The Akane she is playing now would not get angry at that time or in that scene.
The fact that she still felt it was because she, not the Akane she was playing, was angry.
Because she clearly understood that this was her feeling.
“……Misaki san is truly an amazing person.”
“…………”
“I wouldn’t think this way if someone else said it to me. With you, I feel like I can have myself back.”
Still, Sakura continues to hit me.
Despite the fact that she says that she is grateful.
“But it’s too much.”
Finally, Sakura looked up at me.
I’ve never seen that face before.
It was so weak that it looked as if it would break if I touched it at any moment, as if she would start to cry. It was painful and made me want to turn away.
“I didn’t want you to hate me…….!”
My chest tightens.
Just as the girl in front of me is about to break, I myself am about to break.
I want to hug her right now.
I want to tell her that it’s not true and that I don’t hate her, regardless of my calculations or desires. I want to reassure her. Both for her and for me.
“Ah, haha……I see, so this is me.”
Sakura didn’t wipe away the tears that began to form in her eyes, and just left me.
“Now I know that I’m not acting.”
She turned her back to me with unsteady steps.
The back that I wanted to reach out to seemed far away for some reason.
“…….Thank you, Misaki san.”
And finally, Sakura turned around and gave me a smile.
“As expected, you are—to me.”
The silence echoed through the corridor where no one had come in.
Only the sound of small footsteps lingered in my ears, but after a few dozen seconds, I couldn’t hear them anymore.
When I couldn’t hear it anymore, her feeble figure had disappeared from my sight.
Maybe that’s why I leaned against a nearby wall as if I had lost my grip, and collapsed into the ground.
“……Haha.”
That was good, wasn’t it?
After all, I found her boundary with only one ad-lib.
Now that would be ‘anger’ and ‘sorrow. If she can find more “joy” and “happiness” from her own self, then all is well.
I won’t let that happen. I will make her clearly aware of it.
I won’t let it be a temporary feeling, but let her clearly create a boundary so that she can remember it over and over again for everyone.
Then at least she won’t be trapped in a false image for the rest of her life.
No, she won’t—
“Oh no……”
I’m going to cry.
I didn’t even know that hurting her was so painful.
(I wish I didn’t have to know.)
This feeling.
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