Episode 9 – proof of favor (First)

I see….. He had a nasty thought. He thought of something nasty.
Fufu, I can’t help the smile that overflows. I buried my face up to my nose in the hanpenman to hide my mouth and looked at Kouki.

“Hentai man is hentai man”

I said as if singing, “You…… that’s what I meant!” Kouki shouted something I didn’t understand in a frantic manner and reached out his hand in a snap.

“Mouu, Give it back! As I thought, you’re going to sleep alone!”

Hanpenman…..?
Huffing, I hugged the hanpenman even tighter and twisted my upper body to keep him away from Kouki.

“No!”
“No. Give it back! You don’t deserve the Hampenman!”
“Haaa? What do you mean by that? I don’t want to be told that by Hentaiman!”
“don’t call me …… Hentaiman!”
“If you want it back, ……,” I thought suddenly, and looked at him as if to test him.
“You can try to take it by force.”
“Haa……”

The roaring flames of anger seemed to disappear from his body in an instant. Kouki suddenly lost all momentum and froze. His expression tightened as if he wanted to say something, but he remained silent and then, with a sigh, looked away. Then he withdrew the hand he had extended to give it back and muttered, “That’s fine” as if to throw up.

As I thought, he never came.
As usual, Kouki never stepped in.

We used to fight over the remote control and toys (or so auntie told me). When I was older, we didn’t have those kinds of fights ……, but still, Kouki would be right beside me when we would huddle together to watch TV, draw, or wait for my parents to come home. –Sometimes he would hold my hand and sleep with me.
Kouki was closer to me.
Then, as it got further and further away from me, I realized that Kouki was pushing me out of his personal space.
It was as if there was another invisible “someone” between us. Such a distance opened up between us.
After I realized that I liked Kouki, that “someone” became an obstacle. It was frustrating. I was irritated.
I wondered why.
I wondered why Kouki didn’t approach me.
The people who always confessed to me were always so blatantly distant from me. I thought it was a sign of “goodwill. I was the same way. I always wanted to get closer to Kouki. I had always wanted to get close to the person I liked, I thought.
I always thought it was because the people who confessed their feelings to me were always so obviously closing the distance. I thought it was a sign of ‘affection’ because they were like that. I always wanted to get closer to Kouki. I assumed that I always wanted to get close to the person I liked.
So I was wondering if this might be a sign of ‘indifference’ on Kouki’s part. I wondered if he was not approaching me because he wasn’t interested in me and didn’t think …… of me.

But, I’m wrong….?

If he thought of something nasty ……, it means that at least he sees me as a woman – as an object of that kind of thing, right? It means he is interested in me, right?
So, maybe it’s not “indifference” but ……”reserve”? A sign of awareness? It’s not that he doesn’t want to get close to me. He’s not approaching me anymore because he now sees me as a woman?
I guess I’m optimistic ……. Maybe I’m thinking too much. –But I want to believe. I want to believe that there is hope.

I’d like to find out for sure–.

Tokun-tokun, quietly. But gradually faster. Anxiously. As if in a hurry. One by one, heart beats, beating, heart heats up deep in my chest.

“Hey…… I’ll tell you one thing, too,……,” I cut in more brusquely than usual, trying to sound calm and straining my voice, which seemed as if it might tremble.” I just misspoke when I said …… that I wanted to sleep with you.”
“misspoke…..?”
“Actually, it’s …….”

What should I do?
I’m in pain. No matter how much I breathe in or out, I don’t feel my lungs expand. I feel as if my chest is being crushed by anxiety and anticipation.
Kouki looked at me quizzically and gave me a look that urged me to continue. Unable to resist, I averted my gaze and looked down at the hampen man.
His round, sesame-like eyes look up at me with no highlights. He smiled at me, and I felt my nerves ease a little. Like a conditioned reflex ……. My childhood feelings came back to me and, strangely enough, I felt courageous.
…… once more. This time it’s …… This time I’ll tell him …….. …… This time I’ll tell him right.
I’m scared. I want to run away. I want to say something hateful and dodge it like I always do, but…
I want to step in. I want to enter into Kouki’s consciousness. To do that, I have to get closer to him, little by little, …… and it’s no good.
I took a deep breath, as if forcibly stuffing it into my lungs.

“I was going to say that I really want to stay with …… Kouki.”

I surprised even myself by announcing so clearly in a calm voice.
A sense of elation that felt like it was about to …… explode, a mixture of nervousness and a sense of accomplishment, swelled in my chest at once. I was about to scream out, but I held back and glanced to the side to see how Kouki was doing.

Unlike earlier, he didn’t yell at me. Kouki rolled his eyes and was stunned. The evening sun shining through the window was turning his face a pale orange, but slowly it was turning a bright red.

Blinking his eyes several times, he said, “Ha …… Eh ……?” Kouki rubbed his nose in a restless manner – such a gesture was unfamiliar to me. And …… I noticed that the shadow of his hand rubbing his nose made his mouth relax faintly.

Ah…..I thought
Kouki is grinning

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