Episode 13 – The One I Like (First)

As soon as I walked out the front door, I reached into the pocket of my shorts to lock the door,…… and it was then that I realized
It’s not there, as it should always be.
A bad premonition runs down my spine.

Come to think of it, I don’t remember ……. I, the key – where did I put it!?

The last time I took out my keys was on the living room couch. Thinking of Kouki, I hugged it and …… fell asleep. When I came to realize that Kouki had come home, we had a fight as usual and I don’t remember …… a single thing about putting the key away.
I mean…… I dropped it while I was sleeping. I must have dropped it on the living room couch, or on the floor.
I had to go back and get it, I quickly put my hand on the doorknob of the front door, where my body froze as if frozen. At that moment, what came to my mind was the look in Hiroyuki’s eyes. Just remembering the warmth in his eyes as if to say, “I understand,” my body slowly began to heat up.
Ah, noo ……
I like Hiroyuki san very much. I respect him.When he looks at me with that gaze, it’s as if he can see right through me. ……It’s as if he’s revealing to me what I’ve been desperately trying to hide from him for so long. ……I feel like I’m being watched naked, embarrassed, restless, and scared.
If possible – I prayed – and quickly pulled down the lever on the doorknob and opened the door.

Hiroyuki san said, [I just came back because I forgot my report] I am sure that he must have to go back to the university …… right away. It is quite possible that he went up to his room to get his report quickly and is no longer in the living room.
So I thought I would sneak in, in secret. If possible, I wanted to go…… without Hiroyuki san noticing.
But as soon as I stepped into the foyer, I heard Hiroyuki san’s voice.
The stairs leading to the second floor are right in front of the entrance. Across from it, to the left is the Japanese-style room, and to the right is the living room. “So,” the voice, which sounded like an exasperated “So,” came from the right–that is, from the living room.

“I told you I don’t care about that. What’s the point of lying to me? Who benefits?”

Conversation is going on as usual. They didn’t seem to be in a hurry. It seemed that my reading of the situation had been very wrong.
I sighed quietly and tried to close the door behind me.

“I’m not lying,” replied Kouki’s piercing voice, “there’s a girl I like at …… school. So, I don’t want to be misunderstood in a weird way and have Honami say unnecessary things about me.”

My eyes widened and I gasped.
What – and I almost let out a gasp.
What? What are you talking about……? The girl you like ……?

“A girl you like? You mean the girl you want to go out with ……?”
“Yes, that’s right. What else does it mean?”
“What’s her name? What class? Attendance number?”
“Attendance number? I don’t remember that ……”
“You do remember the name and class, don’t you?　If there’s a girl you really like, that is.”

Oh no. Wait. …… Wait a minute.
Hiroyuki san, don’t ask me that. Don’t ask me that now. I don’t want to hear it.

“……the same class. Sada san. Sada Mayuko ……”

I thought I had to get out of there. I wanted to cover my ears.
I didn’t make it in time. It was too late …….

I heard it. I heard the name of Kouki’s preferred girl…..

I cannot breathe ……. My chest is painful.
The back of my eyes are burning. The vision staring at my feet becomes more and more distorted.
I feel as if I’m about to burst into sobs—
I opened the door as if I were going to fall down and ran out.
The moment I got out, I desperately tried to restrain myself from screaming and closed the door so as not to make a sound.
The sun had set and the area was completely dark. A cold wind blew coldly and plainly. Even though it would soon be May, it was cold in a T-shirt and shorts. I felt like an idiot, and something like self-mockery overflowed in my mouth. What am I doing ……? I’m dressed like this …….
I hugged the hampenman tightly and crouched down so that I collapsed on the spot.

“I see, Sada san……”

A faint voice leaked out.

Sada Mayuko – I knew that name.

She was in the same middle school. We were in the same class in high school, Kouki said.
She was tall, stylish, and mature with rimless glasses. She was quiet, ladylike, and got good grades. She was the opposite of me, with a calm …… atmosphere.

I see… I thought ……. I was convinced.
–I was convinced that there was no way that Kouki would fall in love with me.

What had become unbearable spilled out of my eyes.
I crouched down, buried my face in the hampenman, and choked back sobs.
It was as if my body had been turned into glass. I thought I heard a crack somewhere. I felt as if I were about to crumble to pieces. I was scared to death. I feel so sad and lonely,…… and in those moments, I miss Kouki. I still have a part of me in my heart that wants to be hugged,……, and it makes me feel miserable.
I’m not sure what to do about it.

(TL/N : Damn…It really hurts me if the monologues are like this..)

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