Episode 36 – The First Time–

I doubted what I heard. I couldn’t even do that.

Because my mind was blank and I couldn’t think.

By the time I finally started thinking, a few seconds……or maybe even minutes had passed.

“…..What did you just say?”

My voice was terribly muffled. It must have been very hard to hear.

But Nagi didn’t show any such pretense. She spoke plainly.

“—As from today. I can no longer see Souta kun. That’s what I said.”

I was told so straight away. My mind was still blank.

Various thoughts kept popping up and disappearing in my mind.

No, I can’t think straight.

“….The reason. May I ask you that?”

Somehow, I managed to squeeze the words out. Nagi nodded and took my cold hand in hers.

“I’m getting engaged to a certain person. ……I’m not exactly engaged yet, but…”

I felt nauseous. Somehow, I managed to hold it in. I was trying to get it into my messed up brain.

“Keep going, please.”

“The other person is the son of the president of a certain company,…….he turned 20 this year. Apparently, he saw me at the show. It was love at first sight.”

He’s older than me. And he’s the son of a president. Even my brain, which was not functioning properly, somehow understood what she was saying.

“I never told you. My father was a businessman, specifically, a kimono business. Among them, we are developing one for internationalization. ……And the other party is one of the leading kimono companies in Japan.”

“……I see.”

I got a lot of things in sync. Perhaps that is why Nagi was familiar with Japanese dance, tea ceremony, and flower arrangement……that must be the reason.

“Yes. If I can reach a marriage proposal in a week. And if I can get engaged, I don’t mind being absorbed by my father’s company. To put it bluntly, that’s what they offered.”

“……And Nagi’s answer.”

“I said I wanted to.”

I must have looked terrible. I looked at Nagi’s face. …..She was smiling, but her smile was somewhat painful.

“…..I. I couldn’t change.”

She mumbled that in a small voice. She gently touched my cheek with her hand.

“I’m sorry I got you into this. ……Actually, it’s been a long time. I’ve been thinking that this kind of marriage would come one day. That’s why I used Souta kun.”

 “What……?”

“The first time I talked to Souta kun. Do you remember?”

I understood.

In Nagi’s words. I naturally remembered that time.

When Nagi said she wanted to overcome her fear of men.

[Time will solve it. That may be true. But because of that “someday”. I might miss an opportunity. ……Human relations or study? It might be an exam.]

Were you included in that?

“Yes. Someday, when an offer of marriage comes like this, it will be disadvantageous if I have a phobia of men. ……That’s why I used Souta kun. …..That’s how it was supposed to be.”

On Nagi’s cheeks. A drop of tears came down.

“…I fell in love with you.”

Her voice is too small. But I could barely hear it.

“That’s why I wanted to change. I wanted to be able to say no to my father when he asked me to. That’s why. I consulted with Hayama san and the staff.”

More and more. Drops of tears run down Nagi’s cheeks.

“I wish I could love  you more, Souta kun….I want to see no one other than you, Souta kun. If so, I should be able to like Souta more. I want Souta kun to fall in love with me. Then I will like Souta kun more. So I asked how Souta kun would like me.”

Nagi’s tears were flowing down her cheeks without stopping. I naturally wiped the drops with my fingers.

“I love how kind Souta-kun is….I’ve been doing my best to make Souta kun like me. I want to know more about you and like you more, Souta kun.”

Nagi’s hand. She held my other hand.

“But it didn’t work. …I got the worst result I could imagine.”

“Than why…..you’re reluctant to say no, Nagi?”

“Because I love my father and mother.”

Without a pause, Nagi answered while smiling.

It was a distorted smile.

“I owe my father and mother so much, more than I can ever repay. That’s why I chose to do it. …..I’m putting my family and Souta kun on the balance.””

It was terrible and heartbreaking.

Because I looked into her eyes.

“…… Is there no room for me to intervene?”

“No, there’s not. …..No matter what I say, things won’t change.”

Those eyes. The resolve was set. No matter what anyone said, she would not change her mind. She had been telling herself.

I knew that my words would only hurt Nagi. I realized that.

“It’s all my fault. I let everything end up halfway. ……In truth, I should have told Souta kun sooner.”

Her blue eyes are shaded and downcast.

“I was afraid to tell Sota-kun. Once I met him, my heart naturally felt at ease. I forgot all the bad things. ……Tomorrow, I will repeat what I will say. to this day.”

Nagi’s hand left.. The hand that was warm. At the same time, my hand falls off.

“Please hate me, Souta kun.”

Smiling, Nagi said.

“Please hate me a lot, a lot. I don’t want you to know such a woman anymore. Please forget about me. ……No, I’m sorry. I know that the kind Souta kun could never do such a thing.”

Nagi shook her head and……stood up.

Because the Ferris wheel is over.

“Finally, one more thing. I have something to tell you, so please come with me.”

Nagi got off the Ferris wheel. I followed her.

There was no conversation.

We went to an appropriate place. Nagi started talking again at a place with few pedestrians.

“Souta kun, please be happy for sure. Souta kun will definitely find someone much better than me.”

–Please don’t do that.

“Then, be happy with that person. Make a much happier family than mine. …..Please.”

–No.

“Naagi.”

I look at Nagi. She was crying, spilling large drops of tears.

“……I really don’t want to. I don’t want anyone else to be next to Souta kun but me.”

“I, too, hate it. I don’t want to.”

I don’t want someone other than me to be next to Nagi.

I don’t want to. Never.

Absolutely.

“I’m sorry. I’m weak. …..I’m sorry.”

Saying that, Nagi took a step closer to me.

In front of me, Nagi’s face approaches. A terribly beautiful….and distorted face.

She looked me firmly in the eyes while dropping tears.

“…..It’s my last memory.”

Something soft and warm touched my lips.

—It was for a moment.

Nagi dropped. She turned away.

“This first time. I wanted to give this one to Souta kun for sure.”

“Wait, wait, Nagi.”

I reached out her hand. But–

“Goodbye. I wish from the bottom of my heart that Souta kun will be happy.”

My hand did not reach.

The first kiss was bitter.

◆◆◆

My head hurts.

I got out of bed to get some medicine. ……Hm. I wonder how I got home.

Oh well. It doesn’t matter. Whatever.

I turned off my phone that wouldn’t stop ringing. I took a painkiller…..and didn’t have any energy left to go back to bed.

I collapsed on the couch.

What was the right thing to do? I don’t know.

I don’t know anything. I don’t want to know. …..I want to go and sleep. I want to disappear.

I shut my eyes without fighting the sleepiness that was gradually coming over me.

–Ding dong.

I was awakened by the sound of the bell. But I don’t have the energy to go there anymore.

I don’t even remember asking for delivery. …..I’ll use the answering machine.

–Ding dong

……

–Ding dong

……

–Ding dong

……

–Ding dong

–Ding dong

–Ding dong, ding dong, ding dong, ding dong.

To the sound of a bell that never stops ringing. I let out a sigh and slowly stood up.

Who in the world could it be on a night like this?

◆◇◆

“Welcome home……young lady. What’s going on?”

As soon as I got home, my nanny …..Suzaka san found out.

But it’s natural. …Because my face was a mess with tears.

While holding back the endlessly overflowing tears with my fingers. ……I told Suzaka san.

“A lot of things happened. And, Suzaka san. Please come to my room later. ….I have something I want to tell you, Suzaka-san.”

“….I understand. I will come to your room as soon as possible.”

I hadn’t told Suzaka san about what had happened. I also told Suzaka san not to tell my father.

If I told her, she would definitely tell my father about Souta kun.

I told Suzaka san and went back to my room. I put my bag down.

While I still feel dirty, I just lay down on the bed.

I closed my eyes. I was remembering.

“……I always loved you, Souta kun.”

I remembered everything that had happened since I met Souta kun.

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