Source
https://kakuyomu.jp/works/2912051596567318343/episodes/2912051597128256974
(Asakura Chika)
Ever since I was a child, there was a boy I liked.
His name was Ibusuki Sawa.
He wasn’t particularly fast at running, nor was he especially good at school, and his face was nothing special.
But we’ve always gotten along well.
We became close right away, started talking often, and played together a lot.
We didn’t have any special memories, but we laughed together so much that it felt only natural for me to fall for him.
Looking back, our time together was nothing out of the ordinary. Yet, each moment was irreplaceable and precious—it was the time I cherished most.
It wasn’t just fun; it was sweet, too.
In the midst of silly conversations, I’d suddenly find myself captivated by the length of his eyelashes. My heart would flutter at a cute word he’d blurt out unexpectedly. I’d feel the strength in his shoulder when we touched, and my own shoulders would tighten.
Talking across desks in class, walking home together and picking at fries at McDonald’s, hooking up our consoles to play games secretly in the middle of the night—all of it felt sweet and made my heart race as a middle schooler.
The fact that he didn’t seem to care about any of it annoyed me, and that, too, was sweet.
I do think I should have confessed my feelings.
I tried to muster the courage countless times, but I was too afraid that our relationship would change, so I couldn’t bring myself to say it.
I despised my cowardice many times, but now, from the bottom of my heart, I think it was for the best that I didn’t confess.
I loved him. Precisely because I loved him so much, my heart was torn apart by the betrayal.
Back then, my mother was the type of person often called a “toxic parent.”
She saw herself in her daughter and tried to make me live the life she never got to live.
She denied me any form of entertainment, forced me to study constantly, and restricted everything from my appearance to my daily life, all in an attempt to make me live her ideal life.
It was too much for me to bear.
I didn’t have the ability to live up to her expectations.
As entrance exams approached, I studied day and night, but my test results came back as a D.
When my mother saw the results, she cried, screamed, and berated me.
I’d reached my limit. My spirit was on the verge of breaking, and I thought I didn’t care what happened anymore.
I couldn’t bear it alone, so I poured out all the pent-up despair I’d been holding in to Sawa.
I even told him I wanted to disappear.
Then Sawa…
[I get it. I’ll take you. Let’s go see the ocean,]
That’s what he said.
My heart, which had been on the verge of breaking, held on by a thread.
I was so happy to feel that warmth that tears welled up.
“[Will you run away with me?]
[Of course.]
[…Yeah. Yeah! Thank you! Sawa!!]
My feelings for Sawa overflowed.
I felt like, as long as I was with Sawa, I could survive anywhere, no matter what.
The day we’d promised to run away together arrived, and I waited for Sawa at the station.
But no matter how long I waited, Sawa never showed up.
Instead, my mother—the one who had driven me to the brink—came, and I despaired… thinking he had sold me out.
Fortunately, my mother reevaluated her actions and began treating me like a human being. Since that day, I’ve never harbored any ill feelings toward her. In fact, I even find her likable now.
So what happened that day wasn’t all that bad.
It just left a scar on my heart.
The fact that the person I’d loved for so long—my first love—had betrayed me was unbearably painful.
Of course, I checked with him the very next day.
I wondered if there were some extenuating circumstances. I wondered if Sawa wouldn’t actually do something like sell me out.
…But his reply was cold.
[I told Asakura’s mom where you were. That’s all there is to it.]
My heart grew cold.
That was the moment my first love ended.
After that, I had nothing to do with Sawa.
We went to the same high school, but I couldn’t even bring myself to talk to him, and I hated even seeing his face.
Even now, in my second year of high school, that hasn’t changed.
But the wound has healed, and I’ve started to think that maybe I should forgive him.
If I had let my emotions get the better of me that day and run away, I surely wouldn’t be living a decent life now.
It’s precisely because I didn’t run away that I have a normal life now and can hold onto hope for the future.
In the end, it was the right decision for Sawa not to come to the station, so I’ve started to think it’s better not to hold a grudge forever.
But my first love, which had lasted for so many years, ended in betrayal.
The pain I felt then isn’t something I can just brush off.
Amidst these swirling, complicated emotions, today’s events…
“Haa.”
The sigh that escaped me made the air in my room feel heavy.
I’ve sighed so much since I got home that the air feels gloomy and murky.
Today was awkward all day long.
Sitting with my childhood friend, whom I’d cut ties with. I didn’t know what to say, and I was at a loss as to how to interact with her. I felt irritated without even knowing what I was irritated about, and at random moments, my heart would flutter, only to be followed by a bitter taste as I recalled the past.
I hate him. I want to forgive him. But I still hate him.
My heart is a mess.
And yet, in the end, we ended up being forced to ride the Ferris wheel together.
Another sigh escapes me.
But it’s better now.
[Didn’t you ask Yuna to help patch things up between us?]
If he’d just nodded and said “yes,” I’m sure I would have forgiven him.
I’d have been floating on air right now, thinking we could be friends again.
But that wasn’t the case.
Well, then, that’s enough.
Sawa doesn’t care about our relationship at all.
I’m the only one who cares.
It’s ridiculous. I don’t have to deal with him ever again.
I told Sawa that too, and we made a deal.
“…But still, you know.”
The screen on my computer shows the pre-stream screen, and I laugh bitterly.
I found the video that had been on Yuna’s phone screen.
Sawa was posting gameplay commentary using the same game ID we used to play together back in the day.
And soon, his casual chat stream was about to start.
I still couldn’t help but care, and I couldn’t help but scoff at myself for being so foolish.
–
–
If you enjoy our content, feel free to donate, Thank you in advance !