Source
https://kakuyomu.jp/works/16817330665217759411/episodes/16817330665231010279
—Ah, I want to die.
That’s all I could think about.
“Hey, hey! Do you want to go out for Purikura today?”
“Yeah! Let’s go, let’s go!
……The girls around me had amazingly dazzling smiles on their faces. The brightness of their smiles is so bright that I even harbor a grudge against them.
Amidst the crowd of people heading home and heading to club activities, I was alone, walking down the hallway with my head down.
“…..!”
The shoulder of a male student running from behind hit my shoulder, causing me to stumble involuntarily.
He glanced at me for just a moment, then ran off without saying a word to me.
“……………………”
When I bumped into him, he didn’t even say a word of apology, I was just there like an …… ornament.
(I knew I shouldn’t have left at a busy time of day. ……)
I went into the private bathroom to get away from all this hustle and bustle. I sit on the toilet seat, cover my face with my hands, and sigh.
Today is the last episode of my favorite anime, and I wanted to watch it in real time, but …… enough is enough. Let’s watch it on a recording, as usual.
I heard the noisy voices of my classmates coming from the corridor. Hearing those voices, I feel as if I’m really out of touch with the rest of the world.
“……………………”
To distract myself, I took my phone out of my bag and started reading my favorite romance manga.
I like romance. I want to have such a romantic experience. I want to touch hands and feel the thrill.
… I want to be loved like this by someone. This is how I want to be loved.
“………………”
No, I can’t get the story out of my head at all. I feel like I’m being more naive than usual today.
I stopped reading the manga and turned off my phone. My face appears on the pitch black screen.
My short gray hair hides my right eye. My left eye, which I can see, is also empty and lightless.
“……………………”
Disgusted with my ugly face, I quickly put the phone away and stared at my left wrist. There, I could see the marks of two or three wrist cuts.
It’s already been a year since …… that time.
“……………………”
I stayed in that bathroom for a while in silence, five or ten …… minutes, just sitting there in a daze, not thinking about anything.
Then I suddenly heard the voices of my classmates coming from the hallway, but I couldn’t hear them. I fearfully walked out of the bathroom and looked around.
It seemed that most of the students had already left, and there was no one in the hallway. I headed toward the shoe room, carrying my bag.
“……………………”
In the quiet hallway, only my footsteps echoed sadly.
thump
thump
thump
“……………………”
The sound was strangely sad, and I was about to burst into tears.
I suddenly noticed a list of club activities on the bulletin board.
In the list, I found the name of the following club activity.
[We listen to your problems. Counseling club.]
…… Counseling club?
I had never heard of such a club. Is it a recently established club?
“……………………”
I have seen psychiatrists and counselors many times in my life.
But it didn’t make me feel better at all. On the contrary, it only made me feel more alone.
The doctors always said nothing more than “I’ll give you some medicine”. No matter what I talked about, I never felt as if they were listening to me.
I also felt somewhat uncomfortable ……. I felt like I was being forced into their good will, like they were listening to me and “giving” me something.
When I told them that I wanted to die, all they would say was the usual things like, “You can’t die,” or “If you die, there will be people who will be sad”. With such cheesy words, they look like they are saving people.
So basically, I dislike psychiatrists and counselors, and I never want to consult them again. I guess there are good and bad doctors, but at the end of the day, they are just doing their job. They are just treating me, the patient, as their job.
Even though I thought so ……, I was still interested in this counseling department.
Maybe that’s because the same students are doing it. They might treat me with care, not as a job, but as a young person who is also suffering.
With this faint hope in my heart, I decided to go to the counseling department.
(If I didn’t like it, I would leave immediately. ……)
So I went to the club room that was written on the bulletin board.
“…… here, I guess?”
The location of the clubroom was at the end of the hallway, further back from the library.
On the door was a large piece of paper with the words “Counseling Club” written on it with a magic marker.
(I-is this really the place?)
I knocked on the door, suppressing my trembling body with nervousness and anxiety.
Then came a reply from inside, “Yes, come in~” It was clearly a boy’s voice.
(Boy ……W-What should I do? ……I ……)
I already wanted to run away, as I am extraordinarily deflated when dealing with boys.
But the person who said, “Please come in” had a kind tone in his voice.
I decided to go in, believing only in that.
“E-Excuse me…….”
I opened the door and said, “Excuse me,” but my hands and voice were shaking miserably.
My voice was so quiet that I couldn’t even finish. I’m sure the other person didn’t hear me either.
I hated myself like this.
“Hello, it’s nice to meet you.”
I was greeted by a male student with a kind smile on his face.
The club room is a six-mat wooden floor where you take off your shoes at the front and go up to the floor.
In the center of the room was a small square table on which the boys sat on cushions.
There was nothing else, just a small window and some snacks on the table.
“You’re here to consult with me, is that right ……?'”
He asked me, and I gave a small nod in silence.
“Well, please have a seat there. There’s a cushion.”
The boy pointed to a cushion across the desk from him and urged me to sit down.
I followed his instruction and sat down on the cushion.
“Umm, my name is Nakahara Toru, and I am the head of the Counseling Department.”
“M-My name is Nishida Chihiro…..”
“Nice to meet you, Nishida-san.”
He took one of the small chocolates on the desk and popped it into his mouth.
“Ah, of course you can eat the sweets on the table, okay?”
“Y-yes. …… thank you.”
“What grade are you in, Nishida-san?”
“Well, I’m a second grader.”
“Oh, so we are the same age. Good, I’m relieved.”
“Relieved?”
“No, actually, today is the first day for me to participate in club activities. I thought it would be a bit awkward if we were seniors or juniors from the very beginning.”
He smiled cheerfully as he said that.
I’m not sure if it’s a …… intuitive feeling, but I have a feeling he’s a …… good person.
When he found out that I was the same age as him, he didn’t break his polite words.
Some people try to close the distance between us by suddenly speaking to me as if we are the same age, but this person didn’t do that.
I felt the kindness of the person who did not climb up into the heart of the person …….
“I like chocolate so much that when I stop by the convenience store, I end up buying it even though I wasn’t planning on buying it.”
“Haa……”
“Nishida-san, what kind of sweets do you like?”
“I-I like …… ice cream.”
“Ice cream is good, too! But since winter is coming, I think I will have less chance to eat it.”
“I-I eat ice cream in winter, too.”
“Really!? You like ice cream so much? But I understand. You always want to eat something delicious, don’t you?”
“Yes.”
He was always very considerate when talking to me.
He was always very attentive when we talked. [How about you?] He is very easy to talk to because he asks in a way that makes me feel comfortable. I feel like he opens up about himself first.
It was a small kindness, but it made me happy.
I felt like it had been a long time since I had properly talked to someone, …… especially a boy of my age.
…… Then I had a few uncharacteristic caring conversations with him.
About my favorite subject. About the teachers he didn’t like. About the anime and manga he watches. ……
“Eh? Nakahara san, do you know “Ian of Illusion”?
“I know it! I like that anime too.”
“E-Ehh, um…., who is your favorite character from that ……?”
“Hnn, I like the main character Ian, but my favorite is Arabia?”
“……! A-Arabia is my favorite, too.”
“Oh! Really! That’s great!”
“I-I’ve never met anyone who likes …… Arabia in real life, although I sometimes see it on social networking sites.”
“Well, …… is a little bit twisted, but I like the way it’s kind.”
“Yes, ……! M-me tooo!”
It’s been a long time since I’ve been able to get excited about my favorite characters.
I don’t usually talk at all,…… and sometimes when I try to speak, my voice is so dry that I don’t know how to speak. I’m always like that, but with Nakahara-san, I can talk surprisingly well. I didn’t think I was such a talker, I think so …….
“……………………”
In the process, I gradually began to think, ‘I might be able to talk to this person properly’. At least, I don’t think he would say anything that would make me feel like a rascal.
I just wanted to ask him a few questions before I asked him for advice.
“Umm…… is counseling department just you, Nakahara san……?”
“Yes, it’s just me right now. I heard that the club is not recognized as a club activity unless there are three members.”
“……, why did you want to create the counseling club?”
“Hmm? I don’t know what to say,……,hmm…….”
Nakahara-san crossed his arms, looked up at the ceiling, and began to speak softly and quietly.
“……I don’t know what to say, but I’m not a very impressive person.”
“…………?”
“I can’t study very well, I’m not good at sports, and I don’t have any hobbies that I’m passionate about,……. I had nothing to offer, but when I was consulting with a friend,……, or classmate, she told me that I was suited to be a counselor, and I took her advice to heart and started my own club. That’s what …… is all about, isn’t it?”
“You became a counselor …….”
“Well, I’ve had my fair share of bad times,……. So maybe I can sympathize with people’s suffering a little more easily.”
“……………………”
“That’s how I feel, so I’m just going to do what I can …… do to help people, that’s how I feel.”
“……………………”
“……? Nishida san, what’s wrong?”
He looked into my face with concern.
“…… No, I mean, …… may I ask you a slightly strange question?”
“……? Yes.”
“If I told you I wanted to die, what would you say to me?”
“!”
He looked at me with his eyes wide open. I squeezed my hand on my thigh.
“……, well. I’m ……”
“…………………….”
“Hmm. ……, I see. …….”
“…… sorry, this is such a weird question out of the blue.”
“No, no, no, it’s okay.”
“…………………….”
“……Yes, that’s right. Nishida san, if I were you, ……”
His eyes looked straight into mine.
“If you really want to die, I think it’s okay to die.”
“───!”
“I also have some memories of wanting to die,……. At times like that, I felt annoyed at being told that I had to live. It was most troublesome to be told, ‘You have to live’. I know that, but I want to die.”
“……………………”
“So if you really think you want to die, why don’t you just die? Because your life is your own. You should be able to live it any way you want, and you should be able to die any way you want. In fact, it is even a kind of luxury to be able to choose how to die. It might even be better than suffering through an illness or an accident and being terrified of not knowing when you’re going to die.”
“……………………”
“The only thing I would like to add to …… is that ‘you can die at any time’ means, conversely, ‘you don’t have to force yourself to die now.’”
“!”
“I think it is very freeing to be able to die at any time, to be able to die at any time. No matter how painful the time is, if you can think, ‘Well, I can die anytime I want,’ you can relax a little. At least that’s how I felt.”
“……………………”
“If I can think of something fun …… today, tomorrow, or a little further into the future, I think it’s okay to just try to live until that point.”
“…..don’t care when to die …….”
“Oh, but what I don’t want you to misunderstand is that if Nishida-san dies, of course I will miss you, right?”
“!”
“We’ve only just met, but we had a lot of fun talking a lot about manga and stuff, and I think I’d be very sad if Nishida-san were to go away. But …… that’s just it, if Nishida-san really wants to die, I can’t ignore that either.”
“……………………”
“Often, you see, there are things on the news, aren’t there? They interview the friends of the person who committed suicide. They usually say, ‘I wish I could have stopped him from committing suicide’. Of course, I understand how they feel. If I knew someone who was going to die, I would want to stop them if I could, and I would try to persuade them to stop. But… that doesn’t mean it’s hard to ignore the feeling of wanting to die.”
“……………………”
“I wanted to die, and I did. I think that is already, in a way, proof that you have lived as the person you are. It was the person who made the decision to die. I feel that it is uncivilized to criticize that. That’s how I feel.”
“……………………”
“I’m sorry, I rambled on and on.”
“No,……that’s
……I did not expect such a response from him. I was sincerely surprised and even …… strangely moved. It was not because his answer was surprising, but because ……
It was the word I wanted the most right now.
Yes, it’s okay to die, I wanted to free myself like that. I didn’t want to be told, “Don’t die,” based on someone else’s judgment of right and wrong.
It was such a feeling to have the words I was really looking for clearly uttered …….
“…… I.”
Hmm?”
“…… I’m very …… afraid of people.”
“People?”
“Yes,……. Last year, …… there was someone I liked. The person was very popular and …… many people confessed their love for him, so it was very impossible for someone like me to confess my love for him. I watched him from afar and …… that’s all I did, and I was so happy.”
Before I knew it, I was speaking my mind. The lid of the heart is opened and the words are overflowing from there. ……
“……Then one day, he confessed his feelings to me. He asked me to go out with him. I really thought it was a lie. I was so very, very happy that day that I couldn’t sleep at all. But because of that ……, I started getting bullied. The girls were so jealous of me that they threw away the contents of my lunch box and tore my bathing suit to shreds with a cutter. ……”
“………………”
“But I always endured it. Because when I thought that he loved me, I wasn’t afraid of anything. He was my only support.”
“………………”
“…… but that was just another fleeting wish of mine. He didn’t really like me. He was making bets with his friends and said, ‘Will he start letting a shady girl like me do him after a month?’ I was too embarrassed to even hold hands, let alone kiss him, so he told me that I was a boring woman …… and so ………….”
As I spoke, tears gradually came to my eyes. I was not able to speak properly, and gradually my voice began to tremble.
“I …… have been scared …… ever since then. I thought I could rest easy since my seniors had graduated last time and were gone, and the bullying from the girls had calmed down, but my heart was still in shreds and I was afraid of …… liking someone or even making a friend. ……!”
“……………………”
“I thought that if I couldn’t like someone in the future,…… then there was no point in living,……… and so I thought,……”
From …… that point on, there were no words.
Ugh…… and groaning sobs were all that filled the club room.
Every time my tears dribbled onto the table, I felt sad again with a sense of meaningless guilt, ‘I’ve messed up the table’.
It had been such a long time.
“………………”
All the while, he remained silent on the spot, his brow wrinkled, his mouth straight shut.
He crossed his arms and seemed to be still and thinking about something.
“…… Um, I’m sorry.”
Before he could even think about it, my mouth was telling him that I was sorry.
“I’m sorry for the heavy …… talk.”
“…………………….”
He shook his head quietly.
Then, with tears in my eyes, he smiled at me tenderly.
“…… Nishida-san, it’s ‘Ian of Illusion’……, though, isn’t it?”
“Eh?”
“Do you know that there is a manga outside of that one, with …… Arabia as the main character?”
“……! No, this is the first time I’ve heard…….”
“I have a copy……, if you want, I can lend it to you tomorrow.”
“…………!”
“And if you like, Nishida-san, can you lend me some …… manga? I want you to introduce me your favorite manga.”
“……………………”
“Let’s talk a lot about manga tomorrow, too. I’ll go get some ice cream or something, if you want. ……”
I …… finally understood his intention of talking about manga.
[If you can think of something fun …… happening today, tomorrow, or a little bit in the future, let’s just try to live up to it, I think that’s about right.]
His words that he just said. He’s trying to make it clear to me, just as it is.
Tomorrow, even if it is just to read a comic book, why don’t you try to live?
Why don’t you try to live tomorrow, even if it’s just to have a chat ?
……I don’t care when to die. But you don’t have to die now. I just wish there was a little bit of fun for me, that’s what …… he says.
And …… and ……
Let’s be friends,…… he says,……
“……………………”
Again I burst into unstoppable tears.
But it wasn’t because I was sad that I was crying.
Nakahara san’s kindness was so …… deeply felt in my heart that I couldn’t help it.
“I-I …… …… can come here again, is that okay?”
“Of course, you are welcome to come back anytime. Do you want to have ice cream with me?”
I nodded. I nodded over and over again.
Where have I been holding it back all this time? I couldn’t stop my tears as I wondered,
yeah …… now, for the first time.
I am glad I didn’t die until today, I thought.
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Thanks for the chapter
Bro gorthat mental illness rizz.