Source
https://kakuyomu.jp/works/16818622176550308690/episodes/16818792437796295474
One day, a girl in my class asked me this—what kind of relationship do I have with Ayata-kun?
At that moment, I was at a loss for words.
What was Akito to me…?
Just a childhood friend? Or did I harbor special feelings for him…?
As I kept asking myself these questions, I remember feeling a vague sense of unease.
From that day on, I found myself naturally following Akito with my eyes.
And then—before I knew it, I realized the “true feelings” that had sprouted inside me.
Whenever I saw Akito talking to girls other than me… my chest ached terribly, throbbing with pain. As I repeated this day after day, my heart wore thin.
But I understood this feeling was twisted. I knew from the start that I was the one in the wrong, unable to wish for Akito’s happiness.
—Suddenly, I felt a sharp fear.
I sensed that if this feeling reached Akihito, something would change.
I had a premonition that the relationship we’d built as childhood friends would be fatally shattered.
I feared my happy everyday life would end… I found myself thinking that way.
So I decided I had to make sure no one ever sensed this feeling.
Having thought that, I locked away my “true feelings.”
…I did the same thing back in second grade. To hide the bullying from the girls in my class from everyone else, I locked my feelings deep inside my heart like this.
Fortunately, I was used to lying.
And so, in front of Akito, I only spoke my “public face.”
Things like, “I don’t want you talking to girls who aren’t me or Sena.” Or, “If something happens, I want you to rely on me, not Hideki.” Or, “For study stuff, I want you to ask me, not Yuri.”
All to hide those wrong feelings from everyone around me.
From that day on, I started putting on a tough front, acting like I didn’t like Akito at all.
“Hey, Renka… Did something bad happen to you lately?”
It was sudden. After basketball practice ended, we were walking home together like always when Akito suddenly said that.
What should I do—my mind went completely blank.
Panicking that I had to cover it up, I frantically searched for words. If Akito found out about these feelings, he’d surely think I was creepy. Then, distance might grow between us. The happy everyday life I’d finally gained might crumble and disappear—I couldn’t bear that. I couldn’t imagine a day without Akito. So…
—It’s nothing.
—It’s fine… don’t worry about it.
That’s what I coldly snapped at him.
I can still vividly recall the panic I felt at that moment.
I acutely realized this couldn’t go on. No matter how much I put on a brave face, wouldn’t Akito eventually figure out how I felt? I was terrified I wouldn’t be able to hide this twisted emotion for him and would lose my happy days.
And then—as if inversely proportional to that “true feeling”—I started treating Akito harshly.
I covered up the twisted “true feeling” I’d developed for Akito with the “public face” that I didn’t like him at all.
There were times I regretted saying too much. I’d get scared thinking, “What if he hates me now?” and cry myself to sleep alone in the middle of the night.
But. Every morning, Akito would greet me with a smile, saying “Good morning.”
It was that smile I loved—gruff yet kind.
Akito really is incredibly kind. I thought that way, almost every day.
So… I guess I convinced myself this was fine.
By the time we entered high school, hurling harsh words at Akito had become second nature to me.
I’d even stopped feeling any discomfort about my own “facade.”
I’d make two lunches for Akito, who never thought about nutritional balance. I’d fix his bedhead and untie his tie before he left the house, muttering “Oh well” as I tidied him up. I’d silence Sena and Hideki when they teased us, calling us “Mom” or “husband and wife,” with a simple “Stop it.” I’d help Akito with his homework after school, since he tended to slack off.
Calling him “stupid Akito” or “good-for-nothing”—I’d lost all resistance to saying those things without even realizing it.
I think I’d lost sight of the “true feelings” I’d locked away.
And yet… I found myself smiling, thinking how happy I was.
There was Sena, eating a parfait with a bright smile. Hideki and Yuri, arguing over things I didn’t quite understand. Akito, rubbing his eyes, saying he was sleep-deprived. And me, exasperatedly calling him “Idiot Akito.”
Because that was my new normal.
Ah, I was so happy. Every day was incredibly joyful.
But—what about Akito?
For me, it was a happy everyday life. But what feelings did Akito carry?
Why did I just assume—that he must be happy too?
…I’m the worst. I’m undeniably the worst person.
Not a single thing Maeda-san said was wrong.
I took advantage of Akito’s kindness, which supported me, and kept acting harshly.
Because I was scared—just for that vague, selfish reason, I hurt Akito’s heart over and over.
That’s how I pursued only the happy days I wanted for myself.
Yet—do I like Akito?
Even though that Akito has been feeling miserable all this time because of me? Even though I’ve hurt him all this time? Even though I did the same despicable things to him as those girls who stuffed cockroaches into my desk?
And yet, I tried to be happy only for myself.
What the hell… do I think I am?
Tears fall from my eyes at my own ugliness. Words spill out unbidden from my aching throat.
“I’m… sorry. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…”
But—I had to go back, I thought.
I didn’t have the energy to dry my wet body. Still soaking, I slipped into the hotel’s yukata robe.
The clothes felt heavy.
Still, I kept walking.
—Because it wasn’t just Akito I needed to apologize to.
The door wasn’t locked. I pushed open the heavy door and entered the entrance hall.
“—Welcome back, Renka! Hey, speaking of this hotel—”
The sound of my best friend running towards me.
But I was already… beyond help. I was at my limit. The strength to stand had long since drained away. My legs buckled, and I collapsed onto the floor.
Even so, I somehow mustered my strength. Moving my blurry vision, I looked up at the face of my beloved best friend.
“Huh…? Renka, what’s wrong…?”
I tried to say I’m sorry. I had to say it.
But… before my voice could form, tears spilled out.
I’m sorry. Sena, I’m sorry… In my heart, I apologized to her over and over again.
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