Source
https://kakuyomu.jp/works/16818622176550308690/episodes/16818792437791874038
When I was in second grade, a boy in my class confessed his feelings to me.
He was rumored to be the coolest boy in the grade. One day after school in the classroom, he told me in front of everyone, “Fujisaki-san. I’ve liked you for a long time.”
I was happy, I suppose. But back then, I didn’t understand what love was. I’d never liked anyone before, and my days were filled with cram school and sports club—I had no time for a boyfriend. So I said sorry and turned him down.
The next morning, my desk drawer was stuffed full of dead cockroaches.
When I saw it, I couldn’t make a sound. All I remember is the girls around me giggling. …I found out later that one of the girls who apparently liked the boy who confessed to me had brought cockroaches home from her house—the kind used as reptile food.
I hated bugs. I felt like crying. But I couldn’t ask anyone for help. Akito, Sena, Hideki, Yuri—they were all in different classes now. I didn’t have any friends besides my childhood friends. I thought if I told my homeroom teacher, they might do even worse things to me starting tomorrow. …Even the boy who confessed to me yesterday didn’t help me.
So I forced myself to use the dustpan and throw that cockroach away. I hated it so much, but I had no choice but to do it myself.
Why would they do something so cruel? I thought that, holding back tears.
The teacher looked inside the trash can suspiciously, and a class meeting was held. About five girls came up to me and said sorry. So I smiled and said it was okay.
The next morning, there were twice as many cockroaches stuffed inside.
After I started getting bullied by the girls in my class so often, I couldn’t get perfect scores on tests anymore. At the gymnastics club I was allowed to attend, I couldn’t do the handstand I used to be good at.
My cram school teacher scolded me. The club trainer sighed at me. My parents asked me what was wrong. But all I could do was say, “I’m sorry.” I didn’t want to worry them, so I decided to pretend nothing was wrong. In front of my family, I focused only on keeping a smile on my face.
Before I knew it, I was avoiding conversations with my parents. I felt like if I was around them too much, I’d slip up and show my true feelings.
My childhood friends were really worried about me. Sena and Hideki got angry on my behalf. Akito and Yuri gently told me not to worry about it. To them, I replied, “I’m fine.” Not wanting to cause them any more worry, I decided to lie and say, “Nothing’s been happening lately.” They believed me. They smiled and said, “That’s good.”
But… at the same time, I started feeling isolated.
Akito and the others were all in the same class. Only I was in a different one. So they often got excited talking about things I didn’t know about. Meanwhile, I kept enduring small acts of harassment. To keep everyone from finding out, I kept pretending I was fine.
It felt like I alone wasn’t part of their circle.
At home, at school. There was nowhere I belonged.
After school that day, my homework worksheet was hidden somewhere.
I thought maybe it was in the trash again, but unfortunately today was trash collection day. So I hurried to the dumpster behind the school building. I thought if they found out I hadn’t done my homework, I’d worry everyone again.
I lied to the Akito and others, saying I had cram school and would head home first. The lie came out naturally. I hated myself for becoming such a liar and felt like crying. I bit my lip hard to hold it back. Holding back tears had somehow become my specialty.
No matter how long I searched, I couldn’t find the printout.
I thought, I have to hurry or the teacher will come. But no matter how much I searched, it was no use. I kept biting my lip and rummaged through dozens and dozens of trash bags.
――Why did it have to turn out like this? I wondered.
I had only been confessed to by one boy. Just because I turned him down, why did I have to suffer like this?
I sealed that feeling away. Locked it tight inside my heart.
If I didn’t lie like that, everyone would worry about me. I’d be a burden.
I didn’t need a place to belong. As long as everyone around me was happy, that was enough for me.
I told myself that over and over.
My tightly clenched lips hurt terribly.
[Why, Renka?]
It was a familiar voice.
The voice of my childhood friend.
…It was Akito’s voice.
[Why… why didn’t she tell us…?]
He was crying.
His eyes were bloodshot, tears streaming down his face as he stared at me.
I thought he’d seen. What should I do? I panicked terribly.
What excuse did I make back then? Something like a classmate accidentally threw away the handout… I think I told such an obvious lie.
Of course, he saw right through it immediately. I got really scared, thinking I might have made Akito angry.
But he…
Without saying a word—he started searching for the handout with me.
[Hey, Renka. When it’s just us two, let’s make a rule that it’s okay to be honest with each other, okay?]
In the muggy, late-June sunset.
While we rummaged through piles of trash bags together, Akito said that to me.
[Even someone like me can at least listen to what you have to say, right? Come on, that’s fair, isn’t it?]
Handing me the crumpled printout,
Akito said that and smiled brightly. It was a dazzling smile.
And then… I couldn’t think about anything else.
Before I knew it, I was clinging to him.
And then—I decided to do just as he said.
I told him everything I’d been thinking all this time. Why do I have to be the only one feeling like this? Why can the kids in my class be so cruel? Why won’t anyone help me? Why won’t the teacher do anything? Why does the cram school teacher say such mean things? Why is the club advisor so strict only with me? Why don’t Dad and Mom notice anything? Why am I the only one in a different class from everyone else? Why did that boy confess to me? Why won’t he help me if he likes me? Why won’t anyone listen to me? Why, why, why—
[…I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Renka.]
Why… why is Akito apologizing?
Akito gently patted my back while continuing to listen to me.
The next day too, and the day after that.
Before I knew it, I was always spending time alone with Akito after school.
And I started pouring out all kinds of complaints to him. Like how I hated that boy for lifting my skirt, or how I disliked that teacher for always singling me out in class. I transformed all the pent-up frustration into complaints and spilled them out in front of Akito almost every day.
I thought it was fun.
It’s awful to say, but talking badly about someone made me feel strangely relieved.
No matter how much harassment I faced, I was okay because I had Akito.
At some point, I started thinking that way.
Then one day, the harassment against me stopped completely.
…I realize now it was probably because those girls had gotten bored of me. Thanks to Akito, I’d learned to laugh from the bottom of my heart. I think my reaction just bored them.
My test scores returned to normal. I started excelling more than anyone else in sports club. Dad and Mom praised me, saying, “You’re amazing!” Right after summer vacation started, I went to play at the hotel Yuri’s dad runs. It was so much fun. Back then, I didn’t feel the slightest bit left out.
Right after the second semester started, I made new friends. I went shopping with them at the nearby mall. I was so, so happy.
Thanks to Akito, I had incredibly happy days. But that doesn’t mean I had no stress.
After becoming third graders, we had a class reshuffle. Dozens of boys started confessing their feelings to me. Not just classmates, but seniors confessed too. Because of that, I ended up facing harassment again. Boys who said they liked me one day would be talking behind my back the next. A sixth-grade girl threw my school bag, which my dad had bought for me, into the toilet. That was the one time I just couldn’t hold it in. I ended up hiding in a toilet stall and crying.
When I entered fourth grade, cram school got harder. To meet my parents’ expectations, I had to try harder than ever. The amount of homework suddenly increased, forcing me to cut back on time playing with my friends. After Mom got a new job, Dad and Mom started arguing occasionally. Mediating their fights became my new job.
When I entered fifth grade, worries about my growing body increased. The boys in my class started blatantly staring at my chest. The gym club instructor’s physical contact became more frequent. I hated it intensely, but I didn’t want to burden my parents any more than they already were. I convinced myself that if I just endured one more year, I could quit, and somehow managed to hold on.
Because… I was the big sister in the upper grades. I knew complaining was wrong, so I stopped acting spoiled around Akito like I used to. Even in front of him, pretending nothing was wrong became the norm.
Even so—I still felt happy.
Because I had Akito. The time I spent teaching him his studies or helping him get dressed was happier than anything else. It made me truly happy that he relied on someone like me. At some point, I started carrying his comb with me. Sometimes, on holidays, my mom would teach me how to cook. During those times, I’d always imagine the look of joy on Akito’s face.
Talking with him made the fog in my head clear away. Taking care of him made my chest feel warm and fuzzy. Seeing his smile made me smile too.
That’s why I was happy.
The time I spent with Akito became more important to me than anything else.
…I wished it could stay like this forever.
Akito was there, Sena was there, Hideki was there, Yuri was there. My parents were strict but kind, and my school teachers believed in me. I wished these days could go on and on forever.
But.
My heart—when I entered middle school, it changed dramatically.
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