I …… what am I talking about!

Bong, my face got so hot that I felt as if I was about to explode. Immediately, I pulled my hand away from Kouki’s sleeve and turned my head down.

But even if I did that,…… no matter how much I tried to escape Kouki’s gaze, there was no way I could run away from reality–

“W-What’s …… about putting to bed?”

As a matter of course, such a question falls.

Ugh…..I almost groaned

That’s right. Of course you would ask. Even I would ask. I think so, too. What do I mean by “put to sleep”?

But …… can’t help it. I was desperate.

It’s Kouki’s fault. I was in a hurry. I wanted to stop him and tell him not to …… go. I found myself saying strange things.

I always do that—-

I really wanted to say it properly. I wanted to say that I came to see Kouki. I wanted to be with Kouki. I love Kouki. For years, I’ve been holding those feelings deep inside, covering them up with a papier-mâché-like stubbornness, and hiding them for a long time.

It’s just that I’m scared. ……

I bite my lip tightly.

How long am I going to keep doing this?

We are already in high school. We are in different schools now. I am sure we will see each other less and less. When he gets busy with his club activities, Kouki will be home late. If that happens, even if I come over to his house like this, I’m sure I won’t be able to spend much time with Kouki.

I looked down at him and felt his hand clenching the remote control.

I did not want to change this relationship. I was afraid of destroying this relationship. I thought that if I didn’t tell him how I felt, we could stay together. I thought that was fine. But …… it’s going to change. While I was brooding over it, everything around me was changing. It’s a dream come true that things will always be the way they used to be. It’s a dream that things will always be the way they used to be. No matter how much this living room remains the same. No matter how much time I spend with Kouki in this living room, no matter how much time I spend with him here, no matter how much it seems like old times.. Even “Hanpenman” is going to another time. I’m not a child anymore, and neither is Kouki …….

Just like I like Kouki, …… someone may come along and think that way about Kouki. No – there might already be.


Suddenly, I heard such a soft voice …… that softly caressed my eardrums, and I came back to myself.

“What’s wrong? staying silent….. Something’s wrong.”

I saw Kouki’s face in front of me.

He crouched down and looked into my face with concern.

His eyes were full of compassion, as if he was stunned. It has never changed. It tickled my heart. Just by looking at me, my heart becomes hot and painful. And – it makes me sad.

I don’t want to lose him. I wish that I am the only one at the end of this gaze.

“I’m not sure if you’re sleepwalking or not. I don’t know what you’re talking about. ……”

With a sigh, Kouki stood up.

“I’m sorry I woke you. Go back to sleep. You can sleep with your eyes closed, counting sheep, hanpenman, whatever.”

When I looked up, Kouki had turned himself around and was heading for the living room door. I felt impatience rising up from deep within me like a pillar of fire on my back. I kneeled down on the sofa and called out, “Kouki!” I called out to him.

I thought, I have to tell him. Even if it’s a little bit at a time, I have to tell him……

If I keep on like this forever, Kouki will just leave me.

I didn’t tell him to put me to bed because I wanted to …… sleep. I just want to be with Kouki.

I saw Koukii looking back at me slowly, as if in slow motion. I was so nervous that my body was burning up and my head was boiling.

I opened my mouth, half in desperation, with a feeling of excitement rising up inside me.

“I just want to sleep with …… Kouki!”

……Eh? I, why…?

By the time I huffed, my voice was already reverberating in the room …….

Kouki was staring at me, stunned, with a look of astonishment on his mature face, as if he had never seen anything like this before.

Lies ……. Did I say it wrong……? Instead of “I want to be with you,” I said …… “I want to sleep with you,” just now!

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1 year ago

*Sips tea*