Source
https://kakuyomu.jp/works/2912051598917319858
The next day, Shino didn’t show up at college.
Normally, she’d come sit next to me as if nothing had happened, looking sleepy and cracking some casual jokes, but there was no sign of her anywhere in the classroom.
After pulling an all-nighter, I asked myself what I should do, my brain barely functioning.
Shino tried to brush off what happened yesterday as a joke, and I went along with her convenient lie.
So, even though I know it’s not right for me to bring it up again, I can’t shake this uneasy feeling deep in my chest.
I hope she just overslept.
If she skipped class just because it was awkward, that’s fine too.
But what if something changed irrevocably after that moment?
By the time that thought crossed my mind, I’d already pulled out my phone.
“Are you okay?”
I typed that far, then my finger stopped.
What good would it do to send it?
After making her look like that yesterday, here I am today pretending to be worried.
Isn’t that just so I can ease my own guilt, even just a little, rather than for Shino’s sake?
In the end, I deleted what I’d typed and turned my phone face down.
Even after class started, I could barely take in what was being said.
I could hear the professor’s voice from the front of the room. I picked up my pen to take notes, but before I knew it, I was mindlessly tracing the same word over and over.
Time passed idly, and class ended.
I didn’t know if it was because I hadn’t slept enough or because I’d been overthinking things, but my steps felt unusually heavy.
By the time I got home, the sky had grown completely dark.
I unlocked the door and stepped into the entryway, and as usual, the sound of tiny footsteps approached from the living room.
“Rintaro, welcome home!”
Elis looked even more cheerful than usual.
But the moment she saw my face, there was a slight flicker deep in her eyes.
She was probably acting extra cheerful just to put my mind at ease.
This is my problem—I shouldn’t be making Elis worry about me.
“I’m home.”
I tried to respond as casually as possible, but I don’t think I managed it at all.
Elis started to say something, then closed her mouth right away.
She stared at me for a moment, then smiled as if nothing had happened.
“It was my turn to cook today, right? I’ll make something right away, so wait for me.”
“I’m looking forward to Rintaro’s home-cooked meal♪”
“Don’t get your hopes up—I probably can’t make anything that great.”
“Rintaro can do it…!”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
Bearing the weight of Ellis’s strange expectations, I headed to the living room.
I checked what was in the fridge and started thinking about what to make.
Right now, I just wanted to come up with something and keep myself busy.
That way, I wouldn’t have to think about anything else while I was doing it.
And the result was…
“…Rintaro, this is amazing.”
“How should I put this… I’m sorry.”
Facing a huge pot full of curry, even Elis couldn’t help but give a wry smile.
No matter how hard I try, it’s official—I’ll be living on curry for the next three days…
★ ☆ ★
After dinner, I went back to my room, sat down on the bed, and stared at my phone.
Still no word from Shino.
I scrolled through our chat history, looking back at the silly exchanges we’d had almost every day. Now that I realized how Shino felt, looking back at them made even the most trivial conversations seem to carry a different meaning.
Even that invitation from back then: “Let’s go somewhere together sometime.”
Even the heart stickers she’d sent offhandedly.
I don’t think every single one of them was like that.
But I’d chosen to ignore the true feelings seeping through every word, simply because I’d convinced myself, “Shino’s just a friend.”
“…I’m such a jerk.”
Just as I muttered that, there was a soft knock on the door.
“Rintaro, can I come in?”
“…Yeah.”
After a perfect pause—as if she were waiting for a reply, yet not quite—the door opened gently. Elis peeked her head in, glanced briefly at my hands, and flashed an innocent smile, like a child suggesting a prank.
“Rintaro, want to go to the convenience store with me?”
“Sure… Did you run out of something?”
“Nope, I just felt like having some ice cream. Preferably with you, Rintaro.”
“But you just finished eating, didn’t you?”
“But after I ate that curry, I suddenly really felt like having some ice cream.”
“All right. I’ll get ready, so wait a minute.”
I felt like getting some fresh air.
At this time of year, the wind would probably be lukewarm and not very refreshing, but it would still be much better than staying cooped up in my room, brooding over unanswerable questions.
“Okay, I’ll wait for you out there.”
Elis gave a slight smile, waved her hand lightly, and walked out of the room.
Come to think of it, Elis had barely set foot in my room. Normally, she would’ve sat down right next to me in a flash.
She’s probably worried about me and trying not to intrude more than necessary. And I bet she suggested going to the convenience store because she was worried I wouldn’t come out of my room.
(I can’t keep worrying her like this forever.)
I gave my cheeks a firm little slap with the palm of my hand and stood up.
After getting changed, I headed to the living room, where Ellis was waiting, dressed in a long T-shirt and shorts. The hem of her T-shirt covered her shorts, making it look like a mini dress.
“Well then, let’s go♪”
As we stepped out the front door, it felt faintly warm outside—perhaps the heat from the day was still lingering in the ground. Ellis walked beside me, occasionally glancing up at me. But she didn’t ask what had happened. Instead, she chatted happily about trivial things.
That casual conversation was the greatest relief I could ask for right now.
When we entered the convenience store, Ellis headed straight for the ice cream aisle.
After pondering seriously for a while, Ellis picked up a two-pack of tube-style ice cream.
“Is that really okay?”
“Yeah. This way, I can share it with Rintaro.”
“Why not just buy two separate ones?”
“It’s better to share the same one.”
Saying that, Ellis smiled with a hint of pride.
After paying and leaving the convenience store, Ellis immediately opened the bag and snapped the two connected ice cream tubes apart.
“Here you go, Rintaro.”
“Thanks.”
I took the half she handed me.
Holding it—so frozen it made my fingertips go numb—I walked side by side with Ellis down the night street.
As always, Ellis didn’t ask me anything.
She just walked beside me, ate the same thing, and occasionally glanced my way as if to gauge my mood. I appreciated that distance, but at the same time, it was painful.
Because yesterday, realizing how Shino felt had made it impossible for me to look away from my own feelings anymore.
I’d just been trying not to think about it—but I’d known all along.
The true nature of the affection Ellis was showing me.
I could no longer brush it off with half-hearted excuses like “we’re childhood friends,” “we’ve always been this close,” or “it’s just a reaction to all the time we couldn’t see each other.”
For some reason, Ellis liked me too.
She hadn’t made a move simply because I was so indecisive—but she’d felt this way from the very beginning…
“Rintaro?”
When I looked up at her call, Ellis was staring at me with a troubled expression.
“If you keep holding it like that, it’s going to melt.”
“……Oh, sorry.”
I hurriedly took a bite of the ice cream.
The sharp chill and sweetness spread throughout my whole body.
(What should I do?)
Even though I could no longer look away from the feelings both of them were directing at me, I still couldn’t bring myself to make the first move.
The reason was probably simple: I’d never really faced my own feelings head-on before.
I want to be normal. I don’t want to stand out from the crowd.
Having thought about nothing but that, I’ve lived my life worrying more about how I’m seen by others than about what I actually want. Because of that, I’ve somehow become terribly bad at facing my own feelings and figuring out what I truly want.
What are my feelings toward Shino? What about my feelings toward Ellis?
There’s no doubt they’re important—and there’s no doubt they’re special.
But if asked whether these feelings are romantic, I still can’t answer.
──So, let’s figure it out right here, today. Let’s figure out what these feelings really are.
Shino said that, but responding to someone’s important feelings without being able to answer that question is, after all, dishonest.
So, at least starting now… even though it might already be too late, I’m going to face my own feelings head-on.
“Elis—”
“Hm? What is it, Rintaro?”
Elis, walking beside me, pulled her mouth away from her ice pop and licked the ice cream off her lips with her tongue.
“…Thanks, as always.”
For now, I tried to properly convey what I wanted to say.
Because today, I was definitely saved by Elis—who noticed that I was acting strange and treated it like it was no big deal.
It’s kind of embarrassing to say it out loud like this…
Thinking she might wonder what on earth I was suddenly talking about, I glanced at her cautiously—
“Huh!?”
Elis let out a strange sound and froze solid.
Her large blue eyes widened, and she immediately covered her mouth with her hand.
“Wh-what’s wrong, Rintaro? All of a sudden…”
“Um, I just thought I should tell you properly…”
“It’s a surprise when you say it out of the blue—”
Elis shifted her gaze nervously, then took a bite of her ice cream as if to cover up her reaction.
“…But I’m happy.”
She said it in a voice so soft it was almost inaudible, as if savoring the words, and then fell completely silent.
The two of them walked side by side along the June night street, heading home.
I hadn’t come up with an answer for what to do about Shino.
But just doing nothing and leaving things as they were wasn’t right.
I didn’t know how to process what happened yesterday, or what I could give back to Shino. But that didn’t mean I could just brush off her feelings from yesterday as a joke.
When we got home, Ellis gave a small wave from the entrance.
“Good night, Rintaro.”
“Yeah. Good night, Ellis.”
That was all we said.
I went back to my room, sat down on my bed, and opened the chat room with Shino.
No words came to mind. Still, I sent a message.
[I want to talk.]
I poured all my feelings into that single line.
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