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“ …it’s okay with me, you know?”
Shino’s faint voice, as if she’d had to force it out, was trembling.
As she fixed her pleading gaze on me, I instinctively realized that she wasn’t joking.
What exactly was okay? Why had she said something like that?
Even someone as clueless as me when it came to these matters couldn’t possibly fail to understand once she’d gone this far.
What came to mind were Shino’s words at the aquarium.
—I want to spend more time with Rintaro.
Only now did I finally understand the true nature of the passion behind those words.
And that wasn’t all—I realized that everything Shino had said in a joking manner up until now had been pointing toward a single answer.
“Shino, you—”
“That’s the look on your face, Rintaro. I’ve been… waiting for this for a long time, you know?”
Shino clasped her hands tightly in front of her chest and laughed, as if exasperated.
Just a regular female friend.
That’s how I’d always thought of Shino.
—No, that’s not right. Probably not.
I’d been forcing myself to believe that Shino was nothing more than that.
Strong, optimistic, and… beautiful. As a friend to someone like me who was striving to be ordinary, she was completely out of my league. When I thought about it calmly, being friends with someone who was practically a storybook heroine was anything but ordinary.
But even though I’d always known that deep down, I kept choosing to be with Shino. I could have easily put some distance between us if I’d wanted to.
That’s right—to me, Shino isn’t ordinary; she’s definitely someone special.
At least that much is certain.
But I don’t know.
Is this feeling I have actually the same as the one Shino has for me?
As if she could see right through my confusion, Shino pushes me.
“It’s okay… it’s fine if you’re unsure. At least the fact that you’re not rejecting me right away means you don’t hate me, right?”
“Well, that’s true, but…”
“Then let’s find out right here, right now. What those feelings really are. And even if it turns out to be something else, I won’t… get mad or anything. So for now, just go with the flow—please.”
She says she won’t get mad if it’s not what I think. We can even pretend it never happened.
Even though Shino’s saying things that sound like she’s a flighty girl, I can tell she’s not saying them lightly.
Shino must think that saying this will make things easier for me, so she’s giving me a way out.
Let myself be swept up in the moment and spend the night with her. After that, I can decide whatever I want.
I find myself on the verge of giving in to Shino’s convenient proposal.
Probably, any ordinary college guy would be a goner if Shino asked him out like this.
There’s nothing wrong with going with the flow. But—
—I’ll be waiting.
A voice echoed in my head, and I felt as if the fog inside my mind was suddenly clearing.
My feverish mind cooled, and I clearly understood what I needed to say.
“Shino, listen.”
“Yeah, go ahead.”
I looked straight into Shino’s beautiful, dark eyes as she bit her lip slightly.
“……I’m sorry. I can’t go. I just can’t.”
“I see—”
Shino smiled weakly. It was as if she had somehow expected this answer.
“It’s not that I don’t like you, Shino. On the contrary, I truly believe from the bottom of my heart that you’re someone very important to me.”
“Then—!”
“But I don’t know if the feelings I have for you are the same as yours. To let myself be swept away by the moment without even understanding my own feelings… that would be dishonest.”
“…I see. That’s so typical of you, Rintaro.”
Her voice dropped slightly, much quieter than before.
The strength drained from Shino’s fingers. The hand that had been clutching my sleeve slowly let go.
“Shino, I—”
“Just kidding”
As if to cut me off, Shino forced a smile.
It was awkward, desperate, and seemed to have been barely forced into shape.
“…Well, I just wanted to see Rintaro-kun pull off that ‘virgin move.’ I was just teasing you a little.”
“—Teasing?”
“I’ve always wanted to try it once. When a hot girl like me does it, guys’ eyes light up and they take it seriously, so I figured it was something only Rintaro would fall for.”
She shrugged and let out a dramatic sigh.
Despite her playful attitude, Shino’s eyes were red, and tears that looked ready to spill over were barely held back by her lower eyelids.
“Sorry, sorry, I went too far. Well then, I don’t want to miss the last train and have you take this seriously, so let’s get going. Rintaro!”
There’s no way that was really a joke.
—Please just let’s pretend it’s a joke.
Even though she didn’t say it out loud, I could feel what Shino was trying to say all too clearly.
“…Hey, Shino, that joke went way too far!”
“Sorry-sorry ♡”
So I decided to just think of today’s whole thing as a joke, too.
I had no idea what kind of face I was supposed to make starting tomorrow, though.
“Come on, Rintaro! We’re really going to miss the last train!”
Shino dashed off as if fleeing.
Still without an answer, I simply followed her to the station ticket gates.
When I stepped out onto the platform, the night breeze brushed lightly against my cheek. Unlike the stuffy air underground, the air outside was colder than I’d expected.
Shino looked up at the electronic display and let out a small sigh.
“…We made it, didn’t we?”
“Yeah, just barely.”
Soon, the train glided into the station.
The doors opened, people got off, and we followed the flow of the crowd into the car.
There were a few empty seats scattered throughout the car, but we didn’t sit down; instead, we stood near the doors.
…I don’t remember much after that.
We both did our best to put on a brave face and act as if nothing had changed, fully aware of how awkward it was, yet accepting it from each other.
“See you later, Rintaro.”
“Yeah, see you at college.”
Still unsure of what kind of expression to wear when we met.
★ ☆ ★
The front door felt unusually heavy.
I couldn’t even be bothered to turn the key; my body felt uncomfortably heavy.
“Welcome home, Rintaro—”
When I opened the door, I saw Elis’s feet pattering toward me from the living room.
Her voice sounded a little anxious, as if she were trying to gauge my mood.
Without looking up, I walked past Elis—who stood there frozen—and headed straight to my room.
“Sorry, Elis. I’m tired, so I’m going to rest today.”
“…Okay, I see. You must be exhausted.”
Elis didn’t say anything.
Normally, she would have definitely asked, “Did something happen?” but I made her read the room.
How pathetic.
Even though it was all my own doing.
I’ve always valued being “normal” above all else, and at some point, I started avoiding facing my own feelings.
It’s the downside of always thinking about “what I should do” and suppressing my true desires.
That’s why, when it really mattered, I didn’t understand my own feelings—and as a result, I needlessly hurt Shino.
I guess Shino will still go back to being her usual self starting tomorrow.
Just like nothing ever happened—back to being my ordinary female friend.
But I’ve come to realize something.
I’ve realized the feelings Shino had for me, and my own weakness—my inability to either accept or reject them.
In the end, I didn’t sleep a wink that night.
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