Source
https://kakuyomu.jp/works/2912051598917319858
“What’s up, Rintaro? You’re early!”
It was the second day of Golden Week, at a station near the downtown area in the midst of the holiday rush.
Shino spotted me waiting at the meeting spot a little early and came running over.
She was wearing a pale blue blouse and a subdued navy skirt. I’d never seen her dressed like this at college, so I figured it must be her “going-out” outfit.
Since our destination was a hotel lounge, she must have dressed to fit the occasion.
I’d read online that I didn’t need to worry too much about what to wear, but if I’d shown up in a T-shirt and jeans, I’d have stood out like a sore thumb next to Shino. So it seems I made the right call by dressing a bit more nicely than usual.
“Well then, I’m going to let you treat me today~♡”
“I’m not going to argue, but afternoon tea is way more expensive than I thought.”
“……Oh, you were actually planning to treat me. I wasted my time waiting for you to call me out on that.”
“You’re the one who told me to treat you.”
“I did say that, but I didn’t think you’d actually take it seriously.”
Shino laughed in exasperation.
Apparently, it was just a joke… I’m not good at picking up on that kind of thing, so you should’ve told me beforehand.
That said, even if she told me it was a joke, I had no intention of letting Shino reach for her wallet today.
Because today, I’d be asking her to listen to some personal stuff.
It would feel a bit unfair to split the bill under those circumstances.
“Well, shall we go?”
“Oooh, so Rintaro’s going to take me back to a hotel, right?”
“Could you stop talking like that?”
Exchanging banter like that, we headed toward a hotel a short walk from the station. Since it was Golden Week, the streets were packed with people.
But Shino, walking beside me, looked strangely calm even in the midst of the crowd.
The way she walked with her back straight gave her the air of some kind of young lady, drawing the stares of passersby.
It really hit me again—when she’s quiet, she’s truly beautiful.
We continued on to our destination, chatting about trivial things.
When we entered the hotel lounge, it was so quiet it was hard to believe the chaos outside was real.
The ceilings were high, and the seats were spaced far apart. The light streaming in through the windows was soft, giving it the feel of a truly calm, sophisticated space.
To be honest, if I were here alone, I’d never set foot in a place like this.
“Look, Rintaro, there are so many people who look like they’re loaded.”
“Sorry, but I’d like to stay a stranger for a while.”
“Come on, I’m just kidding.”
But in reality, the clientele was a bit different from a typical café.
I could see there were a lot of women and couples, but most of the customers were, how should I put it, dressed with a certain flair.
Unlike a neighborhood café you might stop by on your way somewhere, this place had an atmosphere where people seemed to have made it their destination and chosen their outfits specifically to fit the setting.
“…Am I sticking out like a sore thumb?”
“You’re not sticking out at all. Look, this is totally fine.”
Just as Shino said, no one was paying any attention to me.
It seems I was being overly self-conscious for no good reason.
As soon as we sat down at the table we were shown to, Shino immediately started looking over the menu.
She seemed to be enjoying herself, but she wasn’t getting overly excited.
The fact that she fits right in at a place like this just goes to show that Shino really does have a way with people.
A short while after we ordered, our tea and a three-tiered stand were brought to the table.
Small cakes, scones, and sandwiches were neatly arranged—I could definitely see why this would get girls excited.
“Whoa, this is so exciting! Hey, Rintaro, take a picture of me!”
“Sure, is it okay if I use my phone?”
“You can secretly save it, you know♡”
I ignored her and raised my phone’s camera.
Shino lifted her teacup, turned her head slightly to the side, and gave a gentle smile.
I didn’t know why she was turning her head, but it was a pose I’d seen on social media, so I didn’t say anything and just took a few shots.
After that, I was made to take a few more photos while she made minor adjustments, and finally, I was allowed to dig into the treats.
A sip of tea. Mmm, it’s cooled down just a little.
Shino gazed happily at the display stand, hesitating just a bit over which one to eat first.
I’m glad she’s enjoying herself.
After savoring the tea and sweets for a while, I took a sip of my second cup of tea, and Shino sat up straight and asked, “So…”
“So, Rintaro. What’s this about? Something happened, didn’t it?”
“Ah, there’s just something I wanted to ask you, Shino—”
“My measurements or something?”
“…It’s an old story. It happened right after I came back to Japan.”
Shino’s hand stopped just as it was reaching for her teacup.
“…Sure. Ask me anything.”
She switched gears quickly.
Shino didn’t ask “Why?” or “How come?” at all; she sensed the slightly serious atmosphere on my part and matched my tone.
“You know, back then, I was kind of an outsider in class, right? I was wondering how people saw me back then.”
“…How so?”
“I think I know why I was an outsider, but I want to hear how I came across to you, Shino, and the rest of the class.”
Shino lowered her gaze as if thinking for a moment.
She didn’t reach for the cake she’d been looking at so happily just a moment ago, but instead cupped the teacup with both hands.
“Back when we first met, Rintaro was… how should I put it… pretty headstrong, wasn’t he?”
“…I guess so.”
“You’d say exactly what you thought, and ask right away if you didn’t understand something. Even if the other person tried to be vague, you’d cross the line they’d drawn, saying, ‘I won’t get it unless you put it into words.’”
I know I was terrible.
I’m aware of it now, but I think back then, I was just bad at “reading the room.” Most of my friends in Germany were the type to clearly say “no” if they didn’t like something.
So when people were vague, I didn’t know what to do and got confused, which made me push even harder to figure out what they were thinking—
As a result, by the time I realized it, I’d ended up an outcast in class.
“But I think everyone knew you weren’t a bad person.”
“…I see.”
“It’s just that, well, you were the kind of person we hadn’t really met before, so I think we didn’t know how to interact with you.”
Shino gave a small laugh.
“Rintaro, who wasn’t afraid to speak his mind, was a little dazzling to us back then, and it felt a bit intimidating.”
“Intimidating, huh…”
“Middle schoolers are right in the middle of puberty, aren’t they? It’s a time when you start worrying about how others see you and wonder if it’s okay to show your true self… I was like that, too.”
Shino said this and lowered her gaze to the surface of her tea.
“I’m like this now, but back then, I was still playing up the ‘innocent, straight-A student’ persona.”
“You were ‘selling’ that image?”
“I was. Though, there’s no trace of it left now.”
“Don’t say that yourself.”
Shino gave a small laugh.
She was joking, but her voice was a little quieter than usual.
“I kept quiet, did exactly what the teachers told me to do, and tried not to cause any trouble. I just kind of felt like that was the way I should be.”
“You, Shino?”
“Well, looking back from where I am now, I was really putting on a front back then.”
Come to think of it, the Shino who had just started middle school was much quieter than she is now.
A model student with good grades, good posture, and a pleasant demeanor toward both teachers and classmates. She certainly wouldn’t have been laughing with her mouth wide open like she does now, or taking the lead in livening up the party like the “party president.”
“So, I think I was a little jealous of Rintaro.”
“Me?”
“Yeah. I was jealous that Rintaro could just be himself. But I also knew that if I didn’t fit in with everyone else, I’d stick out. So, I was a little unsure of how to act around him, too.”
Shino paused for a moment, lowering her eyes as if deep in thought.
“I think everyone probably felt that way.”
Those words sank into my heart more easily than I’d expected.
Back then, we were like caterpillars. We were in the process of our old selves melting away and being reshaped into adults. We were living with anxiety about what form we would take.
Thinking about it that way, it was only natural that a guy like me would stick out.
After all, I was trying to rudely peek into the inner workings of others as they desperately struggled to be reborn, all while having no idea how I was being perceived myself.
“I get it now… or rather, I totally get it now. Of course I stood out.”
“But I didn’t mind it. If anything, I thought you were kind of interesting.”
At those words, I blinked slightly.
“Interesting?”
“Yeah. You were a type of person I’d never seen around here before. I did think you were a weirdo, but… you were an interesting guy.”
Shino looked away for a moment.
“So, actually, there were times I wanted to tell you, ‘You’re interesting, so why not just stay the way you are?’”
“…Is that so?”
“But I didn’t. Because you were trying to be normal, Rintaro.”
Shino said this with a slight squint in her eyes.
It felt as though she was looking at me now and remembering the person I used to be.
“In that case, I figured it’d be better to be of help rather than just finding it amusing.”
“…That’s so like you, Shino.”
“Right? I’ve always been capable, after all.”
Seeing Shino puff out her chest in a half-joking manner, I couldn’t help but give a wry smile.
I’d known all along that Shino had been there to save the day.
Whenever I said something that threatened to make the atmosphere awkward, Shino would often tease me, turn it into a joke, and smooth things over.
I just didn’t know she’d been thinking that way behind the scenes.
“…I’ll say it again: thanks. It really helped having you there, Shino.”
“Well, even if you had stood out, I think you would’ve made friends eventually.”
“Is that how it works?”
“Isn’t that how it works? You don’t need to be accepted by everyone. As long as there’s at least one person who finds you interesting, things will work out from there, right?”
At least one person.
Those words stirred something deep inside me.
“So, for me, that person was Shino.”
“Well, yeah. You’re lucky to have a beautiful, kind, and understanding person like me, Rintaro-kun.”
“I really do think so.”
It’s true—without Shino’s support, it might have taken me a little longer to fit in… or maybe I would have never managed to fit in at all.
When I thought about it that way, I felt like even if I treated her to another ten tiers of this afternoon tea, it still wouldn’t be worth it.
“Rintaro, you’re at it again—”
“Huh? What?”
“Oh, never mind. It’s just me. I get thrown off when you take my jokes seriously.”
Saying that, Shino took a sip of her tea.
The teacup trembled, and a little tea spilled from the corner of her mouth.
As if nothing had happened, Shino wiped her mouth with a napkin and cleared her throat once.
“But, that basically means—”
“Hmm?”
“To Rintaro, I’m…”
At that point, Shino’s words trailed off.
For just a split second, her usual lightheartedness vanished.
But the next moment, Shino shrugged her shoulders in a slightly exaggerated manner.
“It means I’m a pretty handy woman, right?”
“That’s a harsh way to put it.”
“It’s fine. I am a woman who can be put to good use.”
“You should take better care of yourself.”
“That’s exactly the problem with you, Rintaro-kun.”
Saying that, Shino reached for a scone as if to escape.
After that, the conversation turned to college classes and assignments over the long weekend.
Shino quickly returned to her usual self, rambling about which cake was the best, how the scones here were better than she expected, and how next time she’d go for something more expensive.
I replied casually while sipping the remaining tea.
My heart felt much lighter than when we first started talking.
The old me was definitely out of place.
But if I had someone like Shino nearby to support me, maybe things would work out somehow. Just like there’s a huge difference between 0 and 1.
Looking at Elis objectively, she’s a beautiful international student who speaks Japanese but gives off an air of being somewhat unapproachable. Probably everyone’s unsure how to interact with her and can’t quite figure out the right distance to keep.
“Rintaro, isn’t it about time?”
Before I could fully gather my thoughts, Shino’s gaze shifted to the bill placed at the edge of the table.
“Oh, is it that late already?”
“Man, my stomach’s all sloshing around from all that tea~”
“I see. I’m glad you enjoyed it, Shino. That’s what matters most.”
“Mm-hmm. No problem.”
Watching Shino nod haughtily in her usual manner, I smiled slightly.
I don’t know if this is really the right thing to do, not right now.
But since I can’t think of anything else, I guess I just have to accept that this is the only option.
I picked up the bill and stood up.
Shino looked a little troubled.
“Just so you know, we’re splitting the bill, okay?”
“As promised, I’m paying for this.”
“No, no, that’s really—”
“This isn’t nearly enough to repay the debt I owe you, Shino.”
“You just say things like that so casually…”
Shino pouted as if to say I was being sneaky, but when she realized I wasn’t backing down, she quietly put her wallet back in her bag.
“Well then, thanks for the meal. I appreciate it.”
“It’s fine, it’s just this much.”
Honestly, I thought paying her back with money was a bit underhanded, but if I didn’t pay her back while I still could, the debt would just keep piling up.
At the very least, I had to pay her back this much or I’d be asking for trouble.
We settled the bill and stepped outside the hotel.
It was still light out.
The streets were as crowded as ever during Golden Week, and the quiet of the lounge felt like a distant memory.
“Well then, Rintaro. Thanks for the meal today.”
“Yeah. Thanks to you, too.”
“Just so you know, next time we’re splitting the bill.”
Shino said that and waved her hand lightly.
I waved back briefly and started walking into the crowd.
The heavy weight in the pit of my chest had lifted just a little.
It’s not over just because I’ve floated to the surface.
What I need isn’t to kill myself just to be accepted by everyone.
If there’s just one person who can stand by me and tell me that’s enough, things will surely start to change.
And the one person who should be that for Ellis is—
★ ☆ ★
Even after Rintaro’s back disappeared into the crowd, I, Shino Aizawa, stood frozen in place for a while.
—But, does that mean…
—Huh?
—To Rintaro, I’m…
Rintaro’s face—the one I’d been with just moments ago—is still burned into my mind, refusing to fade.
No matter how I look at it, that was the moment.
Rintaro turned to me for help, I realized he cares about me, the atmosphere felt right… No matter how I look at it, I should have taken that step forward right then.
──Does that mean I’m special to Rintaro?
Not saying it jokingly like I usually do, but looking up at him a little, acting shy, making it clear that I’m “counting on him,” and hinting at my feelings.
Not just a best friend with a complicated history, but someone we both care deeply about.
I’d planned to rewrite Rintaro’s perception of me and make him aware of it.
But I couldn’t say it.
The moment I saw Rintaro waiting for my words, my throat tightened, the words I’d prepared wouldn’t come out, and my mind went completely blank.
Instead, what came out was,
—So I’m just a pretty convenient girl, huh?
……What is that supposed to mean?
“That’s so lame…”
I muttered under my breath, almost spitting the words out.
I’d never been able to relate to characters in dramas or manga who couldn’t say “I like you” and hid their feelings behind shyness.
I thought it was wrong to try to confess your feelings in a situation where you’re just going with the flow of the moment.
I’d create the perfect timing myself, calculate everything, and then confess my feelings. I thought it was that simple…
But I couldn’t say it. I ran away with a joke.
When it actually came time to tell Rintaro how I felt, all the preparation I’d done meant absolutely nothing.
—To think that the female friend I’m always bantering with actually had feelings for me.
I’d been waiting for the right moment for him to realize that… for so, so long.
“But it’s okay. There’s always next time.”
That’s right, there’s always next time.
Since I managed to blurt out my usual joke-like remark on the spot, Rintaro probably didn’t realize what I was trying to say.
…It’s a little annoying that he didn’t pick up on it, though.
But this time for sure.
If I get another chance, I’m definitely going to—
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