Source
https://kakuyomu.jp/works/2912051598917319858
“…38.4 degrees. No wonder you have a fever.”
When I read aloud the number on the thermometer’s screen, Ellis, who had been wrapped in a blanket on the bed, looked away, seeming a little embarrassed.
“I’m fine. This will go away in no time… so… cough”
“That doesn’t sound very convincing coming from you.”
I stuck a cooling patch on Elis’s forehead—she was mysteriously putting on a brave face—and made her rest.
Fortunately, Golden Week starts tomorrow, so she won’t have to miss any classes.
University had started, her environment had changed, and she’d been thrown into a sea of unfamiliar relationships.
She seemed fine on the surface, but the fatigue must have been building up.
“You should just go to sleep tonight. It’s a holiday starting tomorrow, and I’ll take care of you.”
“……No way.”
“Why not?”
“I don’t want to pass it on to Rintaro……”
“But I can’t just leave you like this, can I?”
Elis was still reluctant, but in the end, she meekly accepted my care.
“I’m sorry, Rintaro.”
“There’s nothing to apologize for.”
It really isn’t something to apologize for.
I know all too well the stress that comes with a change in environment.
It’s not like it’s unusual to catch a cold out of season.
In fact, I’m here for times like this.
To make sure Ellis, who’s ended up living in an unfamiliar place, doesn’t have any trouble, even if it’s just a little. The homestay itself was something Mom and the others decided on their own, but now that it’s been decided, I have to take responsibility and support her.
“It feels cold and gross.”
“Don’t take it off. You’ll get used to it eventually.”
“Got it.”
Seeing Ellis looking so weak, I was vaguely reminded of the Ellis from back in the day.
Back when she used to hide her face behind her bangs, shy and reserved, Ellis wasn’t very strong either—she’d get sick every time the seasons changed and end up missing school.
Ellis has changed in many ways, both inside and out, from the girl I used to know, but deep down, she’s still the same as she was back then. That’s something I’ve realized after spending nearly a month with her.
Maybe she’s been living on edge all this time…
“Can you eat anything?”
“…I’m not hungry.”
“If you can eat, you should have at least a little. I’ll go make something right away.”
I set a 2-liter plastic bottle by the bed and headed to the kitchen.
I looked inside the fridge and pondered what to make.
When it comes to classic comfort food for the sick, rice porridge or congee come to mind…
If the cause of Ellis’s illness is mental, German food might be better than Japanese comfort food.
“Come to think of it, you taught me a soup recipe before.”
What came to mind was a soup with chicken and aromatic vegetables.
It was a dish she taught me after we went to an import food store together—some simple German home-style recipes.
Chicken, onions, carrots, celery.
I still had some of the seasonings I’d bought at the import food store back then.
I couldn’t recreate the exact taste of Ellis’s home cooking, but I hoped it would at least be a comforting flavor. With that in mind, I chopped the vegetables a little more carefully than usual.
★ ☆ ★
“Yeah, I think that’s about right.”
The soup, which I made a little on the lighter side, had a comforting flavor—familiar even though I’d never tasted it before. With this, even the current Elis should be able to eat it.
I ladled out the soup and headed to Elis’s room.
I’d thought I might come back later if she was asleep, but as soon as I entered the room, Elis stirred and sat up in bed.
“I made some soup. Do you think you can eat it?”
“I’ll eat it. Because Rintaro made it for me.”
Though she was a little unsteady on her feet, Elis slowly brought the soup to her mouth, one spoonful at a time.
“…It’s delicious.”
“I’m glad. Looks like it suits your taste.”
“This… this is the soup from my house…”
“You taught me the recipe before, right? I figured a familiar taste would be best in a situation like this.”
“—That makes me happy.”
In the end, Elis finished the soup, albeit slowly.
By the time she finished, perhaps because her body had warmed up, her complexion seemed to have improved slightly.
“Once you’re done, lie down and just rest for a while.”
“Okay…”
Elis’s expression was somber as she replied.
It could be the ‘May blues,’ so is there anything else I can do—
Like trying to speak to her in German, for example…
As I was thinking about that, Ellis muttered quietly.
“…I’m sorry.”
“I told you, there’s no need to apologize. Anyone can catch a cold.”
“That’s not it.”
Ellis’s voice trembled slightly.
“Rintaro, I’m sorry.”
What does she mean?
Just as I was about to ask her to repeat herself, tears began to fall from Ellis’s eyes.
“Elis?”
Startled, I called her name, and Elis clutched the blanket tightly.
Was she trying to hold back her tears, or searching for the right words?
Elis’s lips trembled several times, but she couldn’t bring herself to speak and kept her head down.
“What’s wrong? Are you feeling sick somewhere?”
When I asked that, Elis shook her head slightly.
“…I didn’t understand Rintaro at all.”
Her voice was hoarse from the fever.
But the regret mixed in with it was painfully clear.
“…Did something happen?”
I had a vague idea of what it might be.
Last week’s social gathering. Starting the day after that, there had been something slightly off about Ellis.
It was hard to describe—like she was hesitating over whether to say something… It was just a gut feeling I couldn’t put into words.
“You see, after the social gathering, a photo of me was posted on social media—and it seems a lot of people saw it—”
“A photo…?”
Come to think of it, I think I heard someone mention at the start of the week that there was a stunningly beautiful freshman at our university who was trending on social media.
Maybe that was Ellis.
I did feel something off. I had a clue.
I hate myself for not noticing. No, even if I didn’t notice, why did I just let that uneasy feeling slide…
“Strangers were staring at me. They’d come up and talk to me. Asking what department I was in, if I had a boyfriend, or if I should start an Instagram account… I don’t care about any of that.”
“……”
“Even the girls I usually take classes with were bothered by it. When I’m there, the guys just stare at me. Just my being there makes the whole atmosphere feel weird.”
Elis clenched the blanket in her hands.
“I just want to take classes normally and eat meals normally. But when I’m there, things get weird.”
“Elis… I’m sorry, it’s my fault—”
“No, that’s not it. I don’t actually find that part of it painful.”
“Then why—”
“Because I realized Rintaro was like this, too.”
The words she was about to say stopped.
“Rintaro, when he first came back to Japan, must have felt the same way. Even though he was trying to act normal, people were watching him, talking about him behind his back, and just his presence there would change the atmosphere…”
“……………………”
“That’s why you tried to be normal. To not stand out, to not be an odd one out, to not become the center of strange rumors.”
Elis was right.
I wanted to be normal so I wouldn’t stick out from everyone else.
“And yet, I told Rintaro. I told him not to hide me at college. I told him I wanted him to really see me. I told him I wanted him to stay by my side, even in front of everyone.”
Elis’s fingertips dug into the blanket.
“That means I was trying to force you into the very place you were afraid of, right? And I didn’t even realize it…”
“Elis, that’s not—”
“No. It’s not wrong.”
Elis shook her head slightly.
“I was trying to destroy Rintaro’s normal life. I was trying to destroy the place Rintaro worked so hard to build, just because of my selfishness.”
Tears streamed down her face.
“I’m sorry, Rintaro… I’m so sorry…”
Elis repeated “I’m sorry” over and over.
Her face, flushed from fever, was a mess as she cried like a child.
Seeing her like that, my chest tightened as if it had been gripped by an eagle’s talons.
No, that’s not right.
It’s not something Ellis should be apologizing for.
If anything, I’m the one who should be apologizing.
“It’s not like that, Ellis. I’m the one at fault…”
“Why…? Rintaro didn’t do anything wrong.”
“That’s not true!”
I cut her off.
“You were going through a hard time, and I didn’t even notice. There were times when I could have asked if something was wrong, but I didn’t ask properly… If we’d just talked at school like we usually do, I would have noticed right away that something had changed in your life…”
“No, that’s because I didn’t tell you.”
“That’s because I made it so you couldn’t tell me.”
“Let’s stop hanging out at school because it’ll draw unnecessary attention.”
That was me who said it.
Even though I said I’d be there for her if she was in trouble, I put her in a place where it was hard for her to speak up when she actually was in trouble.
Pathetic. Truly pathetic.
Not noticing, forcing her to endure it, and making her apologize for it—all of it…!
So, at the very least, I can’t keep making the same mistakes over and over.
“It’s true, ever since Ellis came into my life, my ‘normal’ has changed in all sorts of ways. Whether at home or at college, things never go according to plan, and there are plenty of times it’s bad for my heart.”
“……”
“But! I’ve never once thought of it as a nuisance. Not even once.”
I was more surprised by those words coming out of my own mouth than anyone else.
It felt like my words had overtaken my thoughts.
My daily life was being thrown into disarray by Ellis, falling apart piece by piece.
But I never once resented it.
In the morning, I’d boil water for two as a matter of course.
By the time I got home, I’d be planning a meal for two.
The photo album corner in the living room had more pictures every time I looked at it.
A girl who used to be like a little sister to me.
She’s grown up, become beautiful, and now we’re living under the same roof.
No matter how I look at it, this isn’t normal.
But there’s definitely a part of me that doesn’t think these abnormal days are so bad.
“So don’t act like it’s Elis’s fault.”
“Rintaro…”
“Elis, you’re fine just the way you are.”
When I said that, Elis’s face twisted again.
“You don’t have to force yourself to fit in with everyone else. If you don’t have anyone to talk to, you can call me.”
“But if I’m around, Rintaro’s ‘normal’ life…”
“We’ll figure that out… later. But at the very least, it’s wrong to make only Elis put up with this.”
I can’t come up with an answer right now.
I’m scared of standing out at college.
I don’t want to be the center of weird rumors either.
I still have a hard time letting go of the “normal” life I’ve worked so hard to build.
But what kind of “normal” is it that I’d protect at the cost of leaving Ellis all alone?
Is that really the “normal” life I wanted?
“…I don’t want to get in your way, Rintaro. I don’t want to ruin your normal life either.”
“—Thanks for looking out for me.”
When Elis heard my reply, she exhaled as if relieved.
Then she tentatively reached out her hand.
“Can I hold your hand?”
“Sure.”
I took the hand she offered.
It felt a little warmer than usual because of her fever.
“The soup was delicious. Make it again.”
“Yeah. I’ll make it—and the other dishes you taught me, too.”
When I answered that, Ellis gave a small smile.
Whether she was exhausted from crying or had used up all her energy from the fever, her eyelids began to droop little by little.
“Rintaro… thank you.”
After that, Ellis fell silent.
A little while later, the strength slowly drained from the hand I was holding.
I heard her gentle breathing and realized she had finally fallen asleep.
I sat by the bed, still unable to let go of Elis’s hand.
★ ☆ ★
By the next morning, Elis’s fever had completely subsided.
Her temperature was back to normal, and her complexion was much better than yesterday’s.
At this rate, she’ll be fully recovered by tomorrow.
“You’d better take it easy today.”
“Okay. I’ll make sure to rest.”
Elis nodded obediently.
That should have been a good thing, but something about it bothered me a little.
It’s hard to explain, but she seemed a little too quiet.
The usual Elis would have seized the moment to act all clingy.
I felt a slight distance between us compared to just yesterday.
I suppose you could say we’d been too close up until now.
“Elis—”
“What?”
“……No, never mind.”
I felt like I had to say something.
But the words just wouldn’t come out.
I know—what I should be doing right now isn’t just saying something, but taking action.
But I’m still scared.
—I want to be normal.
The wish I’ve imposed on myself for so many years has turned into a curse, stopping me from taking that step forward.
As I wondered what to do, I suddenly remembered what she said yesterday.
—There are all kinds of “normal,” aren’t there?
The words Shino spoke to me yesterday lingered in my mind.
The “normal” I learned in middle school. The “normal” I began to see after entering college.
The “normal” I want to protect. The “normal” that Ellis said she didn’t want to destroy.
Probably, I won’t find the answer if I just think about it alone.
So who should I turn to…
The person who came to mind was Shino.
Someone who knew the old me.
Someone who treated me the same even when I was an outcast in class.
When I was an outcast in class, what did Shino see? How did she view me?
It felt like digging up past trauma, but I wanted to ask her.
So that I wouldn’t leave Ellis alone.
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