Source
https://kakuyomu.jp/works/822139836586390776/episodes/822139842489654836
“Well, it’s not like I have some big reason for telling this story,”
I prefaced before speaking.
“Back in middle school, I had this girlfriend. She was in the same grade as me.”
“Tell us about it.”
Both of them looked intrigued, urging me to continue.
“Maybe because she was my first girlfriend ever, I really liked her. And she seemed to like me too, at least when I was around.”
“When I was around?”
“That phrasing is a bit telling…”
“She was kind to me. Even when I was rambling about boring stuff—I’m not great with words—she’d listen like she was genuinely interested. We never had classes together, so whenever we ran into each other, she’d look happy… I guess you could say she was a good girl.”
“That’s why you never doubted her.”
I paused for breath and continued.
“But then, one day, I found out. She probably didn’t think I existed. The way she treated her friends, the way she treated people who got in her way… She was hurting people while laughing… Of course, at first, I thought I was mistaken.”
I believed that.
“But I started wondering about how she acted when I wasn’t around. I enlisted Hayato’s help—he’d always had this mysterious drive.”
I kept telling myself everyone has a dark side.
“But her dark side was the worst. Every piece of info Hayato gave me was awful. She’d threatened the people she bullied into silence. ‘If you tell me, it’ll get worse.’ That’s why I wondered why some people occasionally looked at me with scared expressions.”
And then I asked her.
“Is this true?”
I said.
“Her face at that moment is still burned into my memory. She didn’t even try to hide her anger. But… the way she looked at me just… changed.
It was cold, like she was sizing me up… somehow, it felt like she was saying, ‘Now that you know, it’s over.’”
When I saw that look… I became afraid of her.
“More than feeling betrayed, I realized everything I’d seen up until then was just the surface. And after that… I couldn’t understand anything anymore. Was that affection real? Were those words genuine?”
Then I looked at the two of them again.
“I started thinking… maybe the kindness people show is just a part of the face they want you to see. What I see is just the side they happen to be acting out. Behind the scenes, they’re wearing a different face… That’s what I came to believe. So now, I tell myself that any kindness someone shows me is just a coincidence, a fleeting emotion.
An illusion.”
If I keep thinking that, I won’t have to remember those things again.
“But you know, I guess I’m unconsciously kind. I don’t deny it. I’m vague about keeping distance, and I have zero netiquette. I can’t help but care. That’s why I think Mei-chan and Risa both ended up liking me…
But you know, this isn’t because I’m special. It’s just timing, circumstances, and coincidence all piling up.
If I admit this is real affection, I might have to see that face again.”
That’s why I’m scared.
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