Source
https://kakuyomu.jp/works/16817330665217759411/episodes/16817330667158819359
…… I went on a rampage, exploding with all my pent-up resentment. I threw chairs, kicked desks and let my screams echo through the classroom.
This had never happened before. There were times when I was so pissed off that I wanted to kill Busujima, but even then I never thought of killing her.
But that time, I definitely wanted to kill her. I thought I had to kill this old woman.
I’m not good at thinking about things like reason and rationality. I always act impulsively and there are many times when I feel bad because I can’t stop myself.
I really hate the fact that I have ADHD. I don’t know why I was born with this. Can’t I talk more calmly like Nakahara or say kind words like Nishida?
“Um, …… Kitagawa-san.”
Nishida looked into my face and spoke to me.
“Specifically, what did Busujima-sensei say about Nakahara-kun,……?”
“….. something, first of all, it was a class where you had to talk about the club you were in.”
“Yeah.”
“So I told her about …… the counselling club, and she said something about ……………… huh? What did Busujima say?”
“Eh?”
“‘m not sure. Um, …… huh, what was it ……?”
“………………….”
Nishida looked at me with a blank stare, as if she couldn’t close her mouth.
Yes, I forget things easily. Even things that are really important can easily slip out of my head. Because of that, homework! Even if I remember this while I’m at school, it quickly disappears from my memory when I get home. There are many such things in my life.
“Eh, Umm…I can’t remember what it was …… Mouu~~~! Why I…… all the time, all the time!”
Unable to control my irritation with myself, I scratch my hair.
The only things I can barely remember are the fact that I tried to kill Busujima and that I felt guilty for …… acting out like this and feeling sorry for my classmates. I can remember those sensory things well, but I can’t remember any concrete words, letters or numbers.
I was frustrated again by my own inability.
“I-It’s all right, it’s all right. Kitagawa-san, calm down, okay?”
“U~m……”
“Sorry for making you work so hard. If you don’t remember, it can’t be helped.”
“……………………”
Nishida comforted me, and I was finally able to breathe.
Still, this disgusting feeling towards myself seems like it won’t end.
“… Hey, Kitagawa-san.”
“What is it? Nishida.”
“Kitagawa-san said that, you know, you don’t know what your feelings for Nakahara-kun are like, right”
“…… yes.”
“Well, then, …… for example, if you could kiss Nakahara-kun, would you like to?”
“!?”
As soon as I had that fantasy in real life, my face became hot all at once.
The feeling of Nakahara’s face coming closer to me and the sensation of our lips touching ……. Just thinking about such things, even for a second, makes my whole body feel hot like it’s on fire.
“Impossible Impossible Impossible Impossible!!!”
Shaking my head several times, I drowned out the fantasy.
“I can’t do that! Such …… I-I’m not cut out for that sort of thing!”
“R-really? I don’t think so. ……”
“If someone like me did something like that! I’m sure I’d be laughed at! make fun of me!”
“……………………”
I Cover my face with both hands and close my eyes tightly. The darkness behind my eyelids spreads out in front of me
…..At that moment, my back felt just a little bit warmer. It was the feeling of the palm of my hand.
It must have been Nishida’s hand. She was gently rubbing my back.
“I can understand that feeling of Kitagawa-san’s,…….”
“……………………”
“I wonder if it’s okay for me to be next to him? Is it okay for me to say that I want to be with him? That’s all you can think about. ……”
“……………………”
I slowly removed my hand from my face and looked at Nishida.
“… Nishida.”
“Yeah?”
“Nishida, is there someone you like?”
“!”
“Is it possible that …… it’s Nakahara?”
“No, no! I-I’m…… what do you call it ……!”
Nishida initially denied it. She said this to me with a bitter smile and shook her head.
…But when I was silent for a while, Nishida’s expression changed from a bitter smile to a sad smile, and she just lowered her eyes.
“……… Hey, Nishida.”
“W-what ……?”
“I’ve never had any friends at all. No matter where I went, I didn’t feel like I belonged, and I hated everyone.”
“……………………”
“But I… …… I… ……”
“…………………..”
“…… Oh, no. I can’t get the words right at all.”
“Y-yeah. It’s okay.”
“……………………”
“……………………”
……And just when our conversation had broken off, a chime rang in the school. This was just the chime to let us know that it was after school.
“…… is it already the end of the day?”
“Yes, Kitagawa-san.”
“I’m sorry, Nishida. I made you miss class because of me.”
“No, don’t worry about it.”
“…………………..”
Knock-knock.
There was a loud knock on the clubroom door. When Nishida answered, “Yes,” a voice was heard from the other side of the door.
“It’s me, Nakahara. Are you okay if I come in now?”
“Ah, Nakahara-kun.”
Nishida looked at me and listened to my reaction. In response to that, I silently nod.
Nishida checked on me and said to Nakahara, who was on the other side of the door, “It’s okay, you can come in.”
Nakahara then slowly opened the door and asked about us inside.
“Kitagawa-san, are you alright?”
“…. yes.”
“I see, thank you, Nishida-san. For listening to Kitagawa-san.”
“No.”
Nakahara entered the clubroom and closed the door. Then, crouching down in front of me, he told me something like this, although he seemed reluctant to say it.
“Kitagawa-san, if it’s you now, I think you’ll listen to what I’m about to tell you.”
“…… What?”
“You had a fierce fight with Busujima sensei. But for now, I’m not going to interfere with that fight. But I think you might have gone a bit too far when you went on the rampage and startled your classmates.”
“………………….”
“Of course, you don’t have to get to know everyone in your class very well. Because class members are just a bunch of people. We have different interests, we like different things. The point of anger is also different for each person. You don’t have to force yourself to get along with them.”
“……………………”
“But still, they are people who are close to each other. They had nothing to do with the fight between you and Busujima-sensei this time.”
“…… yes.”
“Suppose there are countries at war near your country, right? If bombs from that war were to fall on your country, which has nothing to do with the war, you would say, ‘Stop it, indeed! Stop it!’ right?”
“……………………”
“So, if you like, you might want to say a few words of apology to your classmates.”
Nakahara spoke softly so as not to hurt me.
It’s true that I just wanted to kill Busujima and didn’t think about my classmates at all. I went wild and by the time I woke up, the whole area was a mess. Everyone was turned off by it, and everyone thought it was creepy.
“No …… I don’t want to apologise.”
I said weakly to Nakahara. Tears were in my eyes and they were about to overflow.
“I don’t know what I should look like when I apologise. I am ashamed. I don’t want to go in front of everyone.”
“……………………”
“Kitagawa-san ……”
Nishida’s worried voice reached my ears. I wipe the tears that have gathered under my eyes and sniffle.
“But…if I don’t apologize, Nakahara will hate me…?”
“!”
Out of my blurred vision, I could vaguely see Nakahara frowning in confusion.
“I won’t hate …… you, Kitagawa-san.”
But that face gradually relaxed and the gentle smile that Nakahara always shows appeared.
“Really?”
“Yes, I won’t hate you. So don’t worry, Kitagawa-san.”
“….. Really? Are you sure?”
“Yes, of course.”
“…………………”
“That was just my opinion. I’ll leave it to you to decide what you want to do.”
“…… then I’ll apologise to the others.”
“Yeah?”
“Will Nakahara like me?”
…I was surprised even though I had said those words to myself.
Why did that happen all of a sudden? Stupid, stupid. It’s running wild again. Why do I always seem so impulsive?
“……………………”
As expected, Nakahara and Nishida also suprised at my lines.
No…what should I do? If he says, ‘I’m not going to like you.’
I don’t feel like it. I don’t want you to say that. I don’t want to hear such words from Nakahara’s mouth.
“…… I…”
When Nakahara opened his mouth to answer my words, I covered my ears and shouted, “I don’t want to hear it!”
I can hear the sound of my heart thudding. My chest is burning hot.
“No, I don’t want it! I don’t want it! You don’t have to answer!”
“I-I see. I understand.”
Nakahara said that and suddenly heaved a sigh of relief.
“…. Um, Kitagawa-san. I’m sorry to change the subject, but…”
“….. yeah.”
I slowly removed my hands from my ears and listened to what Nakahara had to say.
“I’ll talk to another teacher about Busujima-sensei.”
“About Busujima?”
“Busujima-sensei is usually sarcastic towards Kitagawa-san and various other students. Kitagawa was so angry that Busujima sensei pushed you into a corner. I don’t think you’re entirely at fault for being more violent than necessary, but I’ll never let you say that Busujima-sensei has anything to do with it.”
“……………………”
“I’m finally getting to the point where I can’t stand it anymore.”
“Unbearable?”
“Yeah. I don’t want any more of my precious friends to get hurt. I should have moved on sooner, I regret that.”
“……………………”
“I’m going to fight that teacher. I intend to.”
Although Nakahara was smiling kindly, there was a glaring knife-like glint behind his eyes.
–
–
If you enjoy our content, feel free to donate, Thank you in advance !