Source
https://ncode.syosetu.com/n3174ip/17/
My first impression was that he was a normal boy.
We met for the first time, but when I bowed my head and said hello, Nii san was just smiling.
His father told him to lower his head, but his gaze was slightly above my face. I’m wandering around my head.
He immediately realized that my hair color is unusual.
People of all ages who meet me for the first time will look at my hair first.
In that sense, Nii san’s reaction was normal.
A reaction that is very common and will not be particularly memorable.
It is simply unusual, there is no love or anything, just an impolite gaze coming from an interest-oriented point of view.
If we had met differently, I probably wouldn’t have been interested in him.
It’s highly likely that our paths never even crossed in the first place.
That’s how normal Nii san was.
He was a very ordinary boy.
The only thing that was unusual was that a foreign object called me appeared in front of him.
And having parents who were so arrogant, so shallow, and so stupid that they couldn’t believe they had blood ties to him.
If the house where he was born was normal.
If his parents looked at him head on and loved him the way he is.
I’m sure Nii san could have laughed more. It must have been fun. Made a lot of friends and played with a lot of people. I was sure that he could have lived such a normal life.
Or if there was some kind of trigger. Maybe――
No, this idea doesn’t make any sense anymore.
It’s all over. It was over.
It ended because of me.
Because of me.
I destroyed everything.
If I have the courage.
If I can somehow do something.
If I hadn’t been taken in by that house.
If I don’t tell my father I want him to pick my mother up that day.
Two houses. Two families. I shouldn’t have broken it.
it should have been good not to lose it.
I should have had that ability.
But it was impossible. I couldn’t.
I’m useless. I’m a person who can’t do anything in an emergency.
You can’t change others. I don’t have the ability to comfort anyone.
Genius. Amazing. Special. Liked.
Many times I have been given favorable words.
But every time I’m told that, my heart creaks like broken glass.
Is it because I’m a genius?
What’s amazing about me?
I’m not happy to be treated special.
What do you say you like about me?
I want to say that back.
I’m not great at anything.
Even if I’m recognized by others, I’m not someone who can move someone’s heart.
What’s really special is—Nii san.
I want to say that.
But i can not say it.
because i know that Nii san doesn’t want it.
Nii san is supposed to want to be recognized by others, but I can’t do that.
I can’t help but feel frustrated by that.
But i can not say.I couldn’t.
I was the one who made Nii san that kind of person.
……Really, I’m a terrible human being.
I really shouldn’t be around Nii san.
I don’t really have the right to call Nii san a brother.
I had to leave.
I’m sure that I could have done it right if I had left.
He was supposed to get his life back and be able to smile properly.
――Let’s be a family again. Alice.
That person reached out to me, and I. I–I held that warm hand.
Really, helpless stupidity.
Even so, I was absolutely useless.
I was happy to be asked.
I was really happy that he accepted my ugliness and weakness.
I could not let go of that warmth myself.
But I will sin again.
Even though I have done so many unspeakable sins, I still repeat them.
Nii san who looked at me.
Nii san who accepted me even though I had just done such a terrible thing.
Nii san who forgave me.
If you say something like that with such a gentle face–it’s strange for me not to like you.
Nii san tried to save me, his [sister.]
I see Nii san as a [man.]
It is a terrible betrayal. I know it’s the worst.
In the end, in my mind, he remained the same boy who took me out of the house that day.
Not my older brother of the same age. I saw him as just a boy.
Even though I had to be his sister, I made everything wrong from the beginning.
I. I–I can’t help but want you.
There’s a part of me that screams deep inside that I don’t want to be his younger sister.
Really, I can’t help it.
Please don’t notice my ugly feelings like this, Nii san.
Because if you notice it, I’m sure— I’d probably be unable to hold back.
My hopeless feelings for you.
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