Episode 12 – True feelings and pretenses…

Tuesday, second period, math class.

As I watched Akito’s profile while he was seriously listening to the lesson, I felt strangely uneasy for some reason.

(I didn’t get to talk to Akito at all yesterday…)

Akihto started acting strangely around last Thursday.

He suddenly said he wanted to go to school separately from me, and told me he didn’t need his lunch anymore.

And…since that day, Akito seemed to be trying really hard at something.

His bedhead and tie weren’t perfect, but they were neat enough that I didn’t have to fix them for him. He didn’t sleep during class, and he did his homework seriously. He also seemed to have stopped staying up late, and the dark circles under his eyes were completely gone.

(He was cute like that, though…what am I thinking….!)

Sometimes I lose sight of who I am.

I used to take care of Akito a lot, and because of that, Sena and the other classmates teased me, calling me “RenkaMama.” Every time that happened, I think my face turned bright red with embarrassment.

If only Akito weren’t such a loser…I thought that over and over again.  

So at first, I thought this change in Akito was a good thing. I thought it would be better if I didn’t have to take care of him anymore.  

(But then….why am I feeling this way…?)  

I’m such a terrible childhood friend.

Akito is trying so hard, but I…I can’t truly be happy for him.

Watching Akito’s profile as he struggles to solve the problems in his textbook, I…

(…I’m lonely, Akito…)

That’s…probably how I really feel.

I’m so lonely because the distance between Akihiro and me has grown.

That’s why my heart aches so much.

(If…if Akito really hates me now, then I…)

I remember Sena saying something like that a few days ago.

I often end up being harsh to Akito. Maybe he hates me because of that.

(…Hey, tell me, Akito. How do you feel about me…?)

At the same time.

The bell rang, signaling the end of class.  

No matter how much I thought about it, there was no way I could understand Akihiro’s feelings.  

The fog in my mind never cleared.  

◇◇◇  

The fourth period ended, and it was lunchtime.  

Akito didn’t even look at me, just grabbed his wallet and phone and started to leave the classroom.

(…Hey, where are you going? What do you usually eat? Was my lunch not tasty…?)

My chest tightened.

I thought this couldn’t go on. So I mustered up my courage and said,

“Hey, Akito…!”

Akito stopped and looked at me.

It felt like we were making eye contact for the first time in a long time. Just that alone made my chest feel warm. It felt like the icy thing that had been tormenting my heart was slowly melting away.  

“Hmm, Renka? Is there something you need?”

“…..Um, well….”

I had to say it.  

….Why did you say you didn’t want my lunch anymore?  

…..Are you not going to eat with me anymore?

There were so many things I wanted to ask. But, but…

“…N-nothing. You stupid Akito…”

“Did you stop me just to insult me? Well, whatever.”

Akito sighed heavily.

He turned his back on me and left the classroom.

Wait—I couldn’t even say that word.

Why does this always happen to me?

For some reason, I can’t say what I want to say to Akito.

It doesn’t happen with other people.

When it comes to Akito, my true feelings always get hidden behind my facade.

“…Why? I;m such an idiot.”

I mutter to myself in a voice so quiet that no one can hear.

A few seconds later, Sena and Hideki came over to my seat and said,

“Renka. Let’s go eat.”

“Y-yeah…..”

I managed to force a smile and replied to Sena.

But my fake smile was obvious to my childhood friend and best friend.

“Renka, is something wrong? I bet…hmhm, you miss Akito, don’t you?”

“N-no, that’s not it ! Who would want someone like that…!”

“Come on, you’re still such a shy person, Renka. Alright, just bear with us for now, okay?”

“I’m not shy……”  

Sena teased me, ruffling my hair.

Watching us, Hideki sighed and said,

“But are you sure, Renka? At this rate, the distance between you and Akito will only grow.”

“I-I said I don’t care about Akito…”

“I’m serious. What do you think, Renka? Is it okay to leave things as they are?”

“……”

If, if only.

If I could just be honest with the two of them about how I feel.

If I could just tell them how lonely I feel because of the distance between me and Akito…

I think something would change. But…

“…I said, it’s nothing.”

I don’t even have the courage to do that.

Once again, I hide my true feelings behind a facade.

I bite my lip tightly, along with my own weakness.

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