Source
https://ncode.syosetu.com/n9874hy/89/
When did I awaken to my destructive impulse? When did I begin to distort? What am ‘I’ in the first place?
I no longer know the real ‘me’.
I probably awakened to my destructive impulses when I was in elementary school. That was the first time I can remember.
One rainy day. On the side of the road, there was a weakened stray cat. I think I was walking with Yuuki and I took it with me because neither of us could keep it at home.
I took the cat to a park a short distance from our house, deep in the woods where no one would stop by.
I looked at the weakened cat and thought to myself, [Without me, this cat can’t survive.
I could break it at any time.]
I was horrified.
I felt something that could be described as pleasure or rapture.
No one would stop by this far into the woods. No matter what I did, no one would know.
Then, why don’t I just kill it?
I remember that thought popped into my head.
However, I still felt sorry for the cat and raised it there for a while without killing it.
Maybe I thought Yuuki might notice it.
After a while, the cat disappeared, and I remember feeling a little disappointed. I’m not sure why I was disappointed.
A few years have passed since then. The desire continued to grow inside me. I was puzzled and at the same time felt inadequate in the face of this ever-growing desire.
I continued to be a “good girl” to meet the expectations of those around me.
So I could not do anything strange and my daily life was very boring. But then I realized something.
I wondered if Yuuki had feelings for me.
I had heard this somewhere. In love, the one who falls in love first is at an overwhelming disadvantage. In other words, the person who falls in love with you is swayed by your every move.
So I decided to make the most of it. For my purpose and pleasure.
☆
……The result of that is this.
I didn’t do well in high school. I was satisfied with cracking Yuuki’s heart once and let my guard down. I didn’t do anything wrong.
This time, too, Yuuki’s heart did not crack. In trying to save me, he still had hope in the possibility of my survival. No, he was hanging on to that.
Once again I was unable to push him to the bottom, to the point where he could not rely on anything.
I had done everything he would have hated.
But I couldn’t anticipate it. He was a good-natured guy, the kind of guy who would not hesitate to help anyone in need.
I had completely forgotten that.
In short, I had completely failed.
……Ah well. In the end I remained half-hearted about everything I wanted to do. I can’t die like this.
“—n, o—”
I must have been crazy. I was not normal. I was willing to go to any lengths to achieve my goals.
I didn’t care if I killed or cheated on people. In fact, I even felt good about it.
I knew that even if I told people about this feeling, they would not sympathize with me. That is why I sometimes felt alienated.
Alone in the world. That’s how I felt. A solitary path with no one to sympathize with or agree with.
“………—I–no—-“
I will always be alone. Until the end of my life, I had no friends in the true sense of the word, no one who cared about me.
I was a fake who hid my true feelings, and only people who saw my abilities came to me and rubbed up against me. The fake me had friends, but the real me did not.
……If I go to hell, will I make friends? I’m sure there will be people I can talk to.
“……ri ! Ki—em—-“
……What have you been up to all this time? Zip it. I can’t wait to get out of here.
The voice was getting louder and louder, despite the fact that I wanted to cover my ears.
☆
In conclusion, Eri somehow survived.
Blocked by her sternum, the knife somehow missed her heart. It seems like she didn’t have enough power. However, the tip of the knife had penetrated just one step short of the heart, and the situation was dangerous.
Although she survived, Eri had not woken up for the past few days. I don’t know if it was the blood loss or the shock.
I don’t know, but at any rate, Eri had not woken up.
Even if she did wake up, I don’t know what would happen to her, since she killed two people, mutilated their bodies, and broke into my house.
There may be other charges as well. I’m sure there will be no acquittal. Frankly speaking, there is no difference in how malicious it is.
However, I thought it would be okay to hear at least a little bit of what she had to say.
Incidentally, Natsuki, Shiori, and Riko woke up at the sound of the blaring sirens; I had put a little towel over the two heads and Eri’s before the three of them woke up, so they did not see such a terrible scene.
But they were in shock, big or small. Well, they saw me covered in blood and Eri on the ground. Of course they would be shocked.
Riko and Natsuki fainted. Shiori was a little stunned, but after a while she huffed and carried Riko and Natsuki to the bedroom.
And every day since then, we have found time to come to the hospital where Eri is staying after college.
We knocked on the hospital room where Eri was, and opened the door with regret that she did not answer again today.
Eri was lying quietly in bed, hooked up to several IV drips. She has not woken up yet.
“…… Hey, Eri. I came to visit you again today. We all came here today too.”
I called out to Eri, who didn’t show any reaction, again today. If I call out like this, maybe it will happen, right?
I thought, [She won’t wake up today either] and called out to her. Then, Eri’s fingertips moved a little.
“!”
“Eri, wake up !”
Natsuki exclaimed.
All three of them do not like Eri, but they are not the kind of people who would appreciate seeing a person die in front of their eyes.
Even if they used to be enemies, they can’t think that they want to kill her or wish her dead. It may be naive to say so, but I have come to like that part of them as well.
Eri’s arm reacts a little again to Natsuki’s call.
[ [Eri ! Wake up !] ]
“Wake up !”
“Eri !”
They call out to Eri. Eri’s eyebrows twitched, and her movements became visible.
Finally, Eri woke up.
“–So noisy, geez. You should ‘ve let me go sooner.”
“Eri ! Thank god……”
“Hahaha……why are you so happy?”
“Eh, Eri?”
Eri spoke a little, then suddenly collapsed, as if the power had gone out. However, this time it seemed like he was just sleeping.
We hurriedly pressed the nurse’s call and called the doctor.
I was confused by my own feelings of happiness and sadness.
☆
“Ah. So I was saved after all.”
“……Well, that’s what happens.”
“So? Why are you here? You don’t wanna see me, do you?”
I came to Eri’s place by myself today.
It seems that everything related to the incident will begin in earnest after Eri is discharged from the hospital. That’s why I came here today to talk while I can still talk normally.
“Why, because…..I wanted to talk a little?”
“Hmmm……..you’re weird. Well, that’s fine. What do you want to talk about?”
“No, well…I wonder why you decided to do something like this.”
“Does that mean you wanna know about my motives?”
“Well, yes, I do.”
She’s also my former childhood friend. I don’t know how much of the true Eri is, but I remember that she used to be a kind person and was not the kind of person who would put others down.
That’s why I was a little curious. Why did she kill people? Did she try to die?
“It’s gonna be a long story, okay?”
“I don’t mind.”
“I see. I’d appreciate it if you don’t back out.”
Eri took a breath and slowly began to talk about herself.
☆
“──That’s why. Neither Yuki nor myself know the real Kagurazaka Eri.”
“……”
It was the first time I knew the reason for Eri’s actions and thoughts. Just because I know now, I have no intention of forgiving what happened.
Just a little…well, just a little. I found myself feeling sorry for Eri.
She’s afraid of being left behind. Afraid of being alone. That’s why she tries to distract myself. It was a feeling that everyone has, to a greater or lesser degree.
“I have no intention of forgiving you, and I don’t think society will sympathize with what you’ve done and it’s unforgivable…but you’re not alone.”
“……! I don’t know what you mean. ……Thanks though.”
When I said this, Eri smiled a little sadly and looked up at the sky outside the window. There were clouds, but the sun was shining on the city.
“Well then, I guess I’m going home.”
“Right. Be careful, okay? This time, Yuuki might get stabbed.”
“Well, goodbye.”
“……Bye bye.”
I closed the door and left the hospital room without looking back.
☆
I’m not all alone, huh?
I’m glad to hear that. I feel like I’ve been saved, just a little bit, at the end of my life.
Although I could never satisfy my thirst, I felt as if I had been acknowledged a little.
This may be the last time I see him. I may be in jail for the rest of my life, or I may be executed.
In the end, I’m glad that I was able to talk to someone I once thought of as a friend, and not as prey and predator, as we once did. I’m glad that I could talk as I wanted without worrying about what others thought.
I have no regrets whatsoever. This is how I want to end my life.
In the hospital room where Yuuki had disappeared, I looked up at the sky once more. In my eyes, I saw thick clouds. Stronger than light.
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