Source
https://kakuyomu.jp/works/16818093079507847550/episodes/16818093081719339539
I moved to Japan when I was in fifth grade.
I was scared to leave my friends and come to a strange place.
But my father told me it was work and I had no choice.
I think I was crying at the time.
I cried every day when I came to my new home.
My mother comforted me with her troubled face and my brother tried to make me laugh with his funny faces.
But I still cried and cried because I wanted to go back to my home country, I think.
“…….”
At my first primary school, too, I was looked at as a curiosity by children my own age.
But I was allowed to join them because I was cute.
Because of my poor Japanese, people often imitated my accent and made fun of my anime voice.
I didn’t want to be left out, so I didn’t complain.
By the time I entered junior high school, my Japanese had improved to the point where I could communicate to some extent.
I seemed to be able to remember things well, and although I was not at the same level as my classmates, they made fun of me less and less.
“Hey Nagase-san, will you do the cleaning for me?”
“…… yeah, sure.”
I think my friendships were also good.
The popular kids in my class were always asking me for favors, but I couldn’t say no because they were my friends.
The other kids around me were very considerate and told me I didn’t have to do it, but I still couldn’t say no.
I told myself that it was okay.
I really didn’t want to do it, but I was afraid that if I said no, I would offend them, and I was more afraid of being bullied and ostracised.
For a long time, I thought it would be better to stay like this.
One day, a boy in my class confessed his feelings for me.
He was a good-looking guy from the basketball team, I think people said.
“I’m sorry.”
I think it was the first time I refused someone’s request.
Because this guy was a bully.
A person of bad character who bad-mouthed and hit boys of lower status than himself.
That’s why I didn’t want to go out with him.
There was no mistake in my choice.
Even though I wasn’t, the next day when I went to class, a bucket of water was poured over my head.
And it was water mixed with ink.
My hair, which I had spent so much time fixing, was stained.
My classmates who were nearby were concerned and immediately reported it to the teacher.
But for some reason, I was called to the staff room and scolded.
“Prank.”
“Know your limits.”
The teacher had heard from my classmates that Nagase Karina had been misbehaving and had been covered with a bucket of water.
I found out later that it was the girls I thought were my friends who poured the bucket over my head.
The main culprit was a girl who was always asking me for this and that.
She and the boy who confessed to me were childhood friends, and she said she had liked him for a long time but mistakenly thought I was trying to sidestep her.
How selfish, I almost cried, but I apologised.
To the teacher, to my classmates, to the main culprit.
I was afraid of being made fun of and bullied like I was in primary school.
There was no mistake in my behaviour, and everything would be resolved the next day.
I didn’t doubt that, but —- it didn’t work.
I found myself out of school in the second year of junior high school.
I lied to my parents that I was unwell and kept missing school.
I was heartbroken.
I hate myself for lying to my loving parents and missing school.
I wished I could just disappear, that I was a nuisance just by being alive.
One month later.
I was killing time on my computer, as usual, when I came across a game.
Arcadia Fantasy.
An online RPG.
It was originally a smartphone game, but they released a PC version.
It was about protecting the world that heroes saved from new threats.
It seems to be a sequel, but I decided to play it because it was better rated than the previous one and there seemed to be no problem playing from this one.
The protagonist can choose his or her gender, a common one.
But what did I think at the time, I chose the male one just for the fun of it.
Then I made up a character that looked like an old man and started the game.
Really, what was I thinking?
A week later, I was really hooked.
It wasn’t just the usual quests that you have to complete, but there was a lot of freedom anyway.
I could travel around the world, the NPCs I met were fascinating, housing, fishing, blacksmithing, socialising, events and above all, the story was good.
I used my free time for levelling, and once I reached a certain recommended level, I moved on with the story.
The story is quite long, so I could spend a lot of time on it.
I was able to spend time without feeling hard done by.
I think I played so much that I lost track of time.
My parents never told me to go to school or study.
They were kind parents who let me do what I wanted.
But that kindness hurt.
Sometimes I cried, but I kept playing to drown it out.
One day, I decided to join a guild.
The person in the party I reluctantly formed in a high-difficulty dungeon seemed to be running a guild, and was impressed by my abilities and asked, ‘Would you like to join the guild?’
For the simple reason that I couldn’t refuse, I joined the guild.
I was not good at socialising, so I could only count on one hand the number of times I interacted and conversed with guild members.
I was always solo in dungeons, and I didn’t think much about relying on anyone.
I never met anyone I wanted to rely on.
However, joining had the advantage of being a guild buff.
It was a buff that increased experience and items gained by 1.5 times.
Thanks to this, I was able to get the materials for the weapons I wanted more than before.
“Dragonhead san, can you quit being boring to one person while everyone else is having fun?”
“Besides, why are you participating if you don’t have voice chat turned on?”
I was bored because I had done all the levelling and material gathering.
I had free time until the next contingent was added, so I participated in the guild event that was held for a long time.
The guildmaster did not welcome me.
Because while everyone around me was talking with voice chat on, I was the only one who was silent.
I thought it was unreasonable, even though I should have been able to participate without the voice chat on.
Other guild members took advantage of the situation and forced me to turn on voice chat.
I haven’t spoken in Japanese for over a month.
I didn’t know if I could speak with proper pronunciation.
Besides, I had a complex about my anime-like voice, which my classmates had sometimes told me about since primary school.
I hated it.
I hated it, but I couldn’t say no.
Even though they were all people I hadn’t had much contact with, I couldn’t refuse a request from my peers…
“U-um, if you don’t want to, you don’t have to force to talk in voice chat, ……?”
It was a male wizard, Rein san, who defended me.
He has a youthful voice and is probably about the same age as me.
He spoke in a jittery, pathetic way, but in my eyes, Rein san’s back was cool.
He was like a prince who saved me from a tight spot, and I think I was probably blushing with happiness in front of the screen.
After we left the event, Rein-san and I were sitting shoulder to shoulder on a hill on the stage with a beautiful sunset.
It was a game, but my heart was pounding.
I didn’t even know the man’s face, but I was curious.
“Why are you defending me?”
“Well, because I didn’t like it.”
“You didn’t like it ……?”
“They were trying to force Dragonhead san to put on voice chat, even though he didn’t want to, weren’t they? I thought it was a complete breach of etiquette and something that shouldn’t even be done in real life.”
“I see, that’s right. I’m sorry for making you get involved. I should have refused, but I caused you trouble…”
“Trouble? In that situation, it couldn’t be helped, could it?”
“Eh?”
“The atmosphere, the relationship, not wanting to be disliked, all those factors create a situation where you can’t say no even if you want to.
There’s nothing wrong with Dragonhead san, it’s them who are at fault.”
“…… but if you can’t say no, then it’s no good, isn’t it? After all, ……”
“Well, I wouldn’t like it if I had to turn on voice chat even though I didn’t want to.
I don’t know how to do it either, so there’s nothing I can tell you. ……”
Rain san gave his character a thumbs-up with an emoticon.
“If I faced a similar situation in real life with Dragonhead-san, I might not be able to say no. That’s how weak I am. But sometimes I think. I wonder how much easier it would be if I could be honest about my feelings instead of lying to myself.”
Rein san told me as he looked up at the sky lit by the golden light.
I don’t know what he looked like, in reality, when he said these words.
But his words were the “answer” I needed until now.
(Be honest with your feelings ……..)
I’ve been lying to myself even though it’s been hard.
I never thought I would have the courage to be honest.
“Well then, it’s time for me to go down. Good work, Dragonhead san.”
“……!”
Rein san tries to log out.
It’s good manners to say goodbye on this side too, but if I leave him like this, I’m sure he and I will never see each other again.
Perhaps not wanting that, I typed quickly in the chat using my best typing skills.
“Um, if it’s not too much trouble, will you be my friend!”
“Friend? Sure.”
“And I’ll be logging in again tomorrow, so we can be alone then, …… diving some dungeon, levelling up, and chatting ……. Don’t tell the other guildmates! If the other guildmates knew about it, Rein san, I’m sure they would have the same……?”
I personally feel bad for someone I don’t get along with so well.
But this is my true opinion. I want to continue to be friends with Rein
san
Rein-san, on the other hand, has remained frozen and not spoken for 30 seconds.
Did I pull it off? I was worried.
“I didn’t think Dragonhead-san was such a talker, so I was surprised. Tomorrow, right? …… I can come in at night, so please do.”
Rein san told me that.
Not only did he cover for me, he became my friend and played with me.
I was so happy that I almost jumped in front of my computer and typed in the chat.
“Thanks for today! See you tomorrow!”
I say goodbye and immediately log out.
I was flustered to realise that I had fallen off before Rein-san, but logging out so quickly didn’t make sense to me, so I just collapsed into bed.
“Thank you, Rein san……”
He helped me out of my voice and speaking complex.
He kindly accepted my honest desire to continue to play with him.
I’m glad I had the courage to be honest.
For the first time, I felt as if I could.
I got up from the bed and slowly approached the door to my room.
(I can’t go on like this …… I have to change myself)
I took a deep breath, made up my mind and left my room.
Let’s apologise to my parents and to my brother. And let’s go to school.
Three years later.
I was so shocked by Takaaki kun’s words that I fell asleep in my room.
I made my parents worry because I ran into my room as soon as I got back.
From outside the room, someone asked me in my mother tongue, “Are you alright?” I replied weakly, “I’m fine”.
I was not at all alright, but I had no choice but to reply.
“Takaaki-kun ……”
Even when I went home, my mind was full of thoughts about Takaaki-kun.
The sadness that came up from deep in my chest rose to my throat and made me sob.
He did nothing wrong, it was my fault for being so excited by lumping game and real life together.
[Partner]
For me, an irreplaceable relationship.
But Takaaki-kun wasn’t like that.
Knowing that, I was shocked and ran away from him.
He might have thought I was a heavy woman.
Because I tried to force the same relationship on him in the real world.
I can’t forgive myself.
I want to just disappear, I want to apologise to him, I want to stay out of it, I want to continue to be with him and see him.
A few hours may have passed.
I got up out of bed and sat down in front of my computer.
Then I logged on to Arcadia Fantasy.
I didn’t know why.
Maybe it was because the habit of logging in every day was making my body move on its own, or maybe it was because I was operating Dragonhead without any purpose.
In order to get to a certain place, I took my time and moved silently, without using the transfer function.
And then I arrived.
My favourite place with a good view of the sunset, my favourite stage.
The place where Rein san and I became friends.
Slowly I climbed up to the top of the hill, not expecting anything in particular.
On the way there, memories of fun times came back to me and I almost burst into tears.
I want to make up with Takaaki kun.
But it may already be too late.
No matter how much I am fine with it, Takaaki-kun hates me…
“I knew it. Dragonhead-san, when you get depressed, you definitely come here, so it was worth the wait.”
A familiar back.
The friend chat that suddenly flowed into the log.
Rein-san was there.
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