Episode 36 – Childhood friend reminisce about the past
Source
https://kakuyomu.jp/works/16818622172789075625/episodes/16818622175015049322
[Kako’s Perspective]
I’ve always disliked Tsukushi, who studies hard.
That’s because he never pays attention to me.
Tsukushi and I became friends when we were in the same class in first grade.
Back then, he was energetic and funny, the type who would play around all the time instead of studying.
So, we started hanging out not just during recess but also after school, and before I knew it, we had become close friends.
Things changed around second or third grade.
After his father passed away from illness, the Tsukushi I loved began to fade away.
He spent more time staring at textbooks during recess, and after school, he went to the teacher’s office more often to ask about his studies.
Even when we sat next to each other, he started ignoring me, whereas before we would have chatted and played together.
Gradually, he stopped noticing me.
I know about his dream of becoming a doctor and the circumstances behind it.
When he moved out of his old rental apartment and moved near my house, I thought it was a miracle, but since he hardly ever played with me anymore, it didn’t matter.
[Sorry. I have to study today too.]
That was Tsukushi’s catchphrase.
The only time he would look at me was when I teased him.
When I teased him, he’d smile shyly and look at me.
When I talked to him while he was studying, his response was even better.
It made me happy that he’d talk to me with a mischievous smile, just like he used to.
Gradually, I started asking him about his studies.
Even though he had never paid any attention to me before, when it came to studying, he would listen to me carefully.
That made me happy…..and frustrated.
While learning, I would tease him in between lessons and enjoy watching his reactions.
To be honest, I know my teasing was getting out of hand.
But it wasn’t just playful banter.
There was another clear reason why I was being so harsh with him.
Tsukushi was always looking at other girls besides me, who had been with him all along.
And most of them were smart girls.
The most infuriating thing was when he started hanging out with Yamayoshi Fumino, who was pretty cute and always at the top of the class, in third year of middle school.
It was around the time I was seriously studying, but he was always looking at other girls instead of me.
No, that’s not right.
To be precise, I knew he was spending most of his time with me, but I couldn’t stand the fact that he was secretly talking to other girls.
When I casually asked him about it, he just dodged the question, and I felt like he was completely ignoring me.
So I confronted Yamayoshi.
[Do you like Tsukushi?]
[Eh, no, not really.]
[Hmm. Then aren’t you getting chummy with him?]
[Huh ! …Alright, I’ll keep my distance.]
[Kyahaha, what the hell. You don’t have to worry about me. But maybe you should think about how others see you.]
I wasn’t actually into Tsukushi.
Ever since that day, my childhood friend stopped looking at me directly, and that had been bothering me.
That’s right.
That must be it.
There’s no way I could possibly like him.
In the dark room, I sat with my knees hugged to my chest.
At my feet lay a copy of my self-graded mock exam answers.
My elbow was scraped and bleeding a little, which hurt, and I felt terrible.
[So annoying… What’s wrong with him? What the hell?]
I knew that Tsukushi prioritized studying over me.
But still, I’ve spent the most time with him.
I never thought he’d cut me off so abruptly.
At the same time, the words Shichimura said to me that day kept echoing in my head.
Do I like Tsukushi…?
What a ridiculous thought.
I asked myself, but the answer was no.
I could even say I hated him with a passion.
Besides, if I liked him, I wouldn’t be dating another guy and having sex with him.
…But it’s true that I wanted to see his reaction a little.
What does Tsukushi think when he sees me leaving the fast-food restaurant with Rio kun?
Perhaps he was hoping that when his childhood friend, who was always right next to him, was seduced by another man, he might finally start to look at her.
But reality was different.
It seems he never even noticed me.
The words he spoke today weren’t just a blurted-out impulse or a way to hide his embarrassment.
He was genuinely looking at me with contempt.
Even when he gets angry, Tsukushi is the kind of person who would never say something carelessly hurtful.
He just lacks sensitivity.
“I just wanted to stay in the same relationship as before.”
We went to an average high school together, ended up in the same class by chance, and sat next to each other.
We’d chat and laugh during class like we used to, hang out after school to snack, play games at home, or go shopping.
That’s the future I wanted.
“…Is it my fault?”
No.
It’s too painful, and my head hurts.
My thoughts and actions don’t align, and the frustration won’t stop.
“I hate everyone—Nanamura, Amakusa, and especially Tsukushi.”
It really pisses me off.
I want to make him look at me somehow.
I want to fill his mind with me.
I shifted my gaze to the study desk.
I know one way to make that possible.
I slowly picked up the answer sheet with my injured hand.
I didn’t look away from the score Tsukushi had scolded me for.
This is the key.
If I improve my grades, he’ll have no choice but to notice me.
It’s infuriating, but I don’t want to lose like this.
I want to make Tsukushi look at me.
And I don’t want to lose to that returnee girl or that annoying, prim girl who’s always hanging around Tsukushi.
What’s wrong with being stuck in the past?
The one I loved was the old him.
The current him? I’ll kill him.
“H-hmph. …Sniff, I’ll never forgive him. I’ll make sure he can only see me.”
First, there’s the next test.
Even if I can’t get close to Tsukushi, I’ll just make him come to me.
I’ll do whatever it takes.
“I’m not a loser. I can do it, if I try…..”
I sat down at my desk and started studying, crying.
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