Source
https://kakuyomu.jp/works/2912051598917319858
The moment I closed the door to my room, I—Shino Aizawa—almost collapsed right there on the spot.
It wasn’t because I was tired, exactly. Sure, I was naturally tired from walking around the aquarium, but that wasn’t the reason I felt so overwhelmed.
“…Oh no.”
I flopped down on my bed and pulled out the photo I’d tucked into the back of my phone case.
It was a photo of Rintaro and me standing side by side, wearing matching T-shirts.
Rintaro looked a little awkward, and his gaze was shifted just slightly toward me.
“Hehe…”
Oh no, I can’t stop grinning.
I tried really hard today to get Rintaro to see me as a potential romantic partner.
Looking at this photo, I think it might have gone a little bit well.
I took advantage of the commotion during the dolphin show to throw my arms around Rintaro’s waist.
Even when I suggested we hold hands, he didn’t back away by saying it was a joke.
And most of all… I was finally able to tell him straight out what I’d been wanting to say all along: that I wanted to spend more time with him.
──I wonder what Rintaro thought of that?
My heart was pounding so hard back then, I thought it might burst.
Did Rintaro’s heart race even just a little bit, too?
I wonder if he’s home by now. When he closes his eyes, I wonder if I’ll pop into his head and keep him tossing and turning.
—Ah, ah… It’s not like it’s a bad thing.
Just remembering the look on his face back then makes my heart flutter all over again.
Holding the photo up in front of my face, I kicked my legs gently on the bed.
“It’s been a long time…”
Being just a regular female friend was so comfortable.
It was so comfortable that for nearly six years, I kept thinking it would be better to stay as we were rather than risk ruining our relationship by clumsily confessing my feelings.
But that’s over now.
I can’t hold back anymore. Even if it means breaking that “normal,” there’s something special I want to have.
After all, if it weren’t for Rintaro… I wouldn’t be who I am today.
★ ☆ ★
“Shino! How many times do I have to tell you to behave yourself!?”
“No way! It’s boring to just sit still like Mom says!”
I used to be a lot more of a tomboy than I am now.
Instead of playing with girls, I’d often run around with the boys, and I’d come home with my clothes dirty all the time.
My family was fairly well-off, and we’d have gatherings with relatives, but even there I’d act like a tomboy, and it seems my parents worried about it quite a bit.
As the daughter of the Aizawa family, I wish she’d be a little more composed.
I wish she’d act more like a girl.
I wish she’d learn to behave in a way that wouldn’t embarrass us in public.
Since my parents were so persistent, I reluctantly started trying to follow their instructions little by little.
At first, it felt restrictive—the etiquette, the way I spoke, and how I carried myself.
But as I kept it up, it gradually became second nature, and behaving that way became “normal” for me.
Even I, who had been an unmanageable tomboy, was seen by those around me as a well-mannered, top student by the time I reached the upper grades of elementary school.
I remember well how happy my parents looked, feeling that their hard work and patience in correcting me had finally paid off.
I was happy to be praised, but…
Whether it was how I laughed, how I got angry, or how I spoke—I’d swallow it all down before letting it out.
As I kept doing that, I gradually lost sight of where my “normal” really lay.
That was when I met Rintaro.
“Shino Aizawa! I’ve got your name down—nice to meet you!”
“U… uh-huh. Nice to meet you too, Oosaki-kun.”
“I’ve been living in Germany for a long time, you see. It’s been a while since I’ve talked to a Japanese person my age. If you don’t mind, Shino, could you teach me a few things?”
“Sure, if you ever run into any trouble, right?”
“So, can I ask you something right away?”
—Huh? Do polite pleasantries not work on him?
I thought he was the kind of guy I hadn’t really seen around here before.
Even though we were speaking the same language, I somehow couldn’t quite connect with him.
But I knew right away that he wasn’t a bad person.
Osaki-kun doesn’t leave things he doesn’t understand unresolved. He asks questions right away when he wants to know something, and he tilts his head when he doesn’t agree with something.
Looking back now, I think he was just straightforward.
It’s just that, back then in the classroom, that straightforwardness stood out a little too much.
“Um, sorry. Did I do something wrong?”
“Eh, no, it’s not like that…”
“If you’re thinking something, just tell me.”
“No, I mean…”
Just as my classmates were trying to brush it off with an ambiguous smile, Oosaki-kun would just dive right in.
I’m sure he didn’t mean any harm, but it left everyone else unsure of how to react.
After a few incidents like that, Oosaki-kun gradually became isolated.
Watching that, I thought it was risky, but at the same time, I felt a little envious.
Becoming the person everyone wants you to be, acting exactly as everyone expects you to.
Because Oozaki-kun could just say out loud what I’d been bottling up all this time.
It happened one day after school.
“Aizawa-san, can I leave today’s cleanup to you? I have club activities—”
“Sure. I’ll take care of it, then?”
“Thanks so much! You’re such a lifesaver, Aizawa-san!”
Saying that, she just put on an apologetic expression and walked out of the classroom.
She probably figured that Shino Aizawa—quiet, understanding, and deeply trusted by the teachers—would take care of something like this. She must have thought that from the start.
In fact, I didn’t refuse.
I was thinking, “Who cares, screw this,” but I’d been taught that letting even the slightest bit of that show in my attitude wasn’t a good idea.
I erased the blackboard, gathered the handouts, and tidied up my desk.
By the time I’d finished my duties as the classroom monitor in the empty classroom, I could hear the sounds of club activities coming from outside.
I buried my face in my desk and, taking advantage of the fact that no one was watching, let out a deep sigh.
“Ugh… This is so damn annoying…”
The moment I said it out loud, I jumped to my feet.
That was a no-go. That was the kind of voice Shino Aizawa—who’s always demure, dependable, and smiling—absolutely must never let out in public.
(No one saw me, right?)
I frantically scanned the room and saw Oozaki-kun standing at the classroom entrance.
This is the worst.
Of all people, he heard that.
“…Did you hear that just now?”
“Yeah, I heard it. You said, ‘This is so damn annoying.’”
“No, that’s not it. That was just… well, I’m a little tired.”
I quickly straightened my back.
Worried that the mark from having my face pressed against the desk might still be visible on my cheek, I reflexively smoothed my hair.
Even if I did that, it was already too late.
“Huh? I don’t think so. If you were tired, you’d say so—it’s not like it’s a big deal.”
“No, but… I mean, I’m not really that kind of person—”
“So what kind of person is Shino, then?”
“Huh?”
I hadn’t expected him to ask me that back, so I was at a loss for words.
Osaki-kun wasn’t teasing me; he was looking at me with an expression that said he genuinely didn’t understand.
“Um… the type who’s responsible, serious, and doesn’t really use language like this…?”
“No, that’s how other people see Shino. I’m asking about Shino herself.”
“—Ugh, forget it! Shut up!”
The moment I said it, I thought, ‘Oh no.’
A chill ran down the back of my throat.
That was a total disaster. It was my true voice—there was no way to cover it up.
I hurriedly covered my mouth.
But instead of getting angry, Oozaki-kun just widened his eyes slightly, then nodded normally.
“No, actually, that’s fine. I’m glad you told me clearly.”
“‘Glad’… That’s weird, isn’t it, what you just said?”
“Is it?”
“It’s weird. People will think, ‘Oh, that’s the kind of thing Aizawa-san says.’”
As I said it, I felt a slight heaviness deep in my chest.
I’d always thought that if people saw me that way, it would be the end.
I felt like the “Shino Aizawa” I’d worked so hard to create was about to crumble.
“What’s wrong with that?”
“What do you mean…?”
I tried to answer, but no words came out.
It’s wrong because it’s wrong.
That’s what I’d always been told, and that’s what I’d always believed.
But I’d never explained why it was wrong in my own words.
“…It’s because I have to be proper.”
“Why?”
“Why, you ask…? That’s how people see me. My parents expect it, too. And it puts everyone around me at ease.”
After saying that, I felt a little embarrassed.
I never intended to talk to anyone about this.
But Oosaki-kun didn’t rush me. He didn’t even laugh.
He just stood at the classroom entrance, as if waiting for me to continue.
“I used to be a lot more of a tomboy. I’d get into fights with boys and get my clothes covered in mud. But that wasn’t allowed. I was told to ‘behave myself,’ so I changed… and then everyone said they liked the way I am now.”
After saying that much, I finally realized I’d gone and said more than I meant to.
I lowered my gaze to my desk. My own troubled face was faintly reflected in the polished surface.
“That’s why I can’t be like that—like I was just now. That’s not who I am anymore.”
“Oh, really?”
Osaki-kun’s voice was so light it took me by surprise.
I couldn’t believe it. What did he think I’d been going through—
“Personally, I find it easier to talk to you now, Shino, and I like you better this way.”
“W-what!?”
A strange sound escaped my lips. My face flushed instantly.
“Why are you so surprised?”
“Of course I’m surprised! People don’t just say things like that casually!”
“Oh, sorry. I see… I guess this isn’t normal either…”
That way of speaking caught my attention, so when I asked him about it, it turned out Oosaki-kun knew he was a little out of step with everyone else and had been worrying about how to become “normal.”
Seeing that, I felt the embarrassment I’d been feeling just a moment ago fade away a little.
(So that’s it. He was also struggling because he didn’t know what “normal” meant.)
Me, suffocating inside the “normal” I’d created for myself, and Oosaki-kun, hesitating because he wanted to fit in with the norm.
Even though we were heading in opposite directions, I felt like we were somehow similar.
“…In situations like that, it helps to look at the other person’s face. When people are troubled, their smile usually looks a little off.”
“I see…”
Osaki-kun nodded with an unusually serious expression.
Just a moment ago, he hadn’t batted an eye at seeing my true self, yet now he was listening to this trivial piece of advice as intently as if he’d been told it would be on a test.
(He’s kind of cute……)
Suddenly, that thought crossed my mind.
A moment later, my heart gave a little thump, and a warm sensation spread throughout my body.
Come to think of it, this might have been the first time.
The first time someone saw the real me—the part I usually have to hide—and told me they preferred that version.
And at that moment, it made me incredibly happy.
I don’t remember exactly when I realized this feeling was love.
But if asked when that feeling first sprouted, I can say with certainty.
This day, this moment, was the beginning.
★ ☆ ★
Before I knew it, I was gripping the photo a little tighter.
“…I really do like him, don’t I?”
Saying it out loud made my chest feel warm.
I gazed at Rintaro in the photo and smiled softly.
(I’ll try even harder.)
I’m going to make him even more flustered and make him think about me even more.
So brace yourself, Rintaro—
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