Source
https://kakuyomu.jp/works/2912051598917319858
Behind my back, all sorts of people are talking about me.
Looking at the photos in the social media posts and the growing numbers, I, Ellis Wiegert, felt a bit puzzled.
“This was posted without permission, right?”
“Shouldn’t you ask them to take it down?”
Judging by the tone of the message I received again, it seemed like people were worried about me.
Sure, posting someone’s photo on social media without permission isn’t right, but I haven’t actually done anything wrong, so honestly, I don’t really care.
But since I seem to have worried this person, I should at least apologize and thank them.
“Thank you for worrying about me.”
“But I’m fine.”
Ever since I decided to make an effort to look cute for Rintaro, I’ve been getting complimented on my appearance more often. I had similar experiences when I was in Germany, so it’s nothing to panic about. Things like this tend to settle down over time, so there’s no point in making a fuss over it.
Besides, more than anything, a single “You’re cute” from Rintaro means more to me than a thousand “You’re cute”s from strangers I’ve never even met.
So, that’s the end of that.
I closed my phone and set it on the table.
In the living room, Rintaro was watching TV while glancing over his assignment materials.
He didn’t seem to notice that I’d been looking at my phone.
—Should I tell him about this?
I hesitated for a moment, but decided not to say anything.
If I told Rintaro, I’d just end up worrying him.
I like it when Rintaro worries about me, but I don’t want to make him worry. Especially not about something like this—a problem I can’t solve. After all, I’d just be causing him worry without being able to put his mind at ease.
So I’ll forget about those numbers that keep rising behind my back and make the most of this holiday I get to spend with Rintaro.
★ ☆ ★
Monday.
I could hear people all around me talking about their Golden Week plans.
Maybe because the long weekend starts on Wednesday, the atmosphere on campus felt a little more lighthearted than usual.
My first class today was a required course in a large lecture hall.
It’s normal for me to arrive a little early, grab a seat slightly toward the front of the middle section, and attend class with the other students.
But today was a little different.
When I walked into the classroom, I saw the students I usually take classes with sitting in the back. And near them were some boys I didn’t know.
“Seriously, doesn’t that professor speak really quietly?”
“I know. From the back, I can’t make out a word he’s saying.”
“But I don’t really feel like sitting up front.”
They were chatting happily.
Maybe they’d gotten close at the after-party I didn’t go to?
“Good morning.”
When I spoke up, one of the girls I usually hang out with looked up.
“Oh, Ellis. Good morning.”
Reacting to her voice, the boys looked over at me too.
And then, a moment later, their eyes lit up.
“Oh, it’s Ellis -chan!”
“I wanted to talk to you at the after-party. Why did you leave?”
“Oh, come on. We can just make up for it by talking now, right?”
From the looks of it, the guys must have gotten close with everyone at the after-party after I left. That’s why they were sitting together nearby, chatting happily.
“By the way, Ellis, did you see Instagram?”
“Oh, that! It went crazy viral!”
“Oh, yeah.”
“…Huh, is that it? Don’t you usually get more surprised?”
“…Not really?”
Maybe I should have been surprised.
But honestly, I couldn’t care less, so I just thought, “If you want to make a fuss, go ahead.”
The guys found my attitude amusing and shifted their seats closer to mine.
“Hey, Ellis chan, don’t you use Instagram or anything?”
“……No, I don’t.”
“You should totally start. You’d get followers in no time.”
“I’m not interested.”
When I answered that, the guys exchanged glances and laughed.
“Ellis-chan, you’re way too cool. You’re definitely not like those girls who post selfies all the time.”
“Yeah, that’s just wrong. They’re way too desperate for validation.”
Even when I’m cold and aloof, people call me cool or say I’m unfriendly.
I just want to be left alone, but what should I do?
When I glanced over at the girls, they gave me a forced, apologetic smile.
Ever since I arrived, the guys have been fixated on me, acting as if the girls I was just talking to never even existed.
“…I’m kind of sorry about this?”
I whispered to the girl sitting next to me, and she looked slightly surprised.
“No, it’s not your fault, Ellis chan.”
She said that and smiled at me.
But her smile was just a little forced.
★ ☆ ★
As soon as class ended, the classroom suddenly became noisy.
Some people dashed toward the cafeteria, others looked for places to eat off-campus, and still others pulled out bags from convenience stores. Everyone started moving in their own directions.
I was about to call out to everyone, planning to have lunch with them as usual.
“Hey—”
“Hey, Ellis chan!”
Just as I stood up to call out to them, someone called out to me from the seat in front of me.
It was the guys from earlier.
“Since we’re here, why don’t we grab a bite together today?”
“I know a great place. A senior in my club told me about it—it’s got a really nice vibe.”
“Seriously? Tell us about it.”
The guys approached me as if it were already a done deal.
I’m fine with doing what I usually do, though.
I don’t really have a reason to go out of my way to eat with these guys.
So I opened my mouth, intending to decline.
“Um, I’m—”
I’m going to eat with these girls.
Just as I was about to say that, the guys shifted their eyes nervously, as if trying to cover up something they’d forgotten, and immediately called out to the other girls.
“Oh… of course, why don’t you join us? You’re coming, right?”
Like I was just an afterthought.
Even someone who wasn’t me could tell—it was obvious from their attitude that they’d only asked me because they had to.
The girls exchanged a glance, then, as if they’d coordinated it, all put on apologetic expressions.
“—No, I think we’re good.”
“Me too. I’m trying to save money right now.”
Averting their eyes, looking in the opposite direction.
It was clear they couldn’t hide their desire to get away from there as soon as possible.
“Well then, I’ll—”
I thought about turning them down, but then everyone laughed a little awkwardly.
“…Don’t worry about us.”
“You went out of your way to talk to us, after all.”
“Yeah. Go ahead.”
If it were just their words, it might sound like they were being considerate.
But in reality, they probably thought I was a nuisance.
They were giving off such a clearly annoyed vibe that even I—someone who’s terrible at reading people’s feelings—could tell.
If that’s the case, it’s not good for me to stay here.
That said, I don’t feel like going with these guys either.
“Sorry, but I’m going to eat alone today.”
When I told the guys that, this time they looked a little surprised.
“…Huh, really?”
“No, no, come on, let’s go together since we’re here.”
“Yeah, yeah, why don’t we all go together?”
At the word “all,” the girls’ shoulders trembled just a little.
Since I realized that, I shook my head.
“Nope. I’m in the mood to eat alone today.”
When I said that again, the boys laughed, looking a little awkward.
“…I see. Well, maybe next time.”
“Yeah.”
Next time.
Though I doubt that “next time” will ever come.
I gathered my things and left the classroom.
I heard some quiet murmuring behind me, but I didn’t look back.
★ ☆ ★
──I couldn’t relax.
It seemed the photo of me had spread further than I’d expected, and wherever I went, I felt more curious stares than usual, making me feel incredibly uncomfortable.
In the end, since there wasn’t a single place on campus where I could relax alone, I bought a coffee at a café off campus and decided to kill some time by taking a walk.
I wasn’t going anywhere in particular; I was just walking around the university.
The number of stares directed at me decreased, and I could finally breathe.
I continued wandering aimlessly, killing time, and then returned to campus.
With about half of my coffee left, I entered the classroom just before lunch break ended.
I walked in from the front and scanned the room.
I saw the students I usually take classes with sitting toward the back.
They noticed me too, and as usual, I expected them to wave and say, “Over here!”… but they didn’t. They looked away awkwardly and started talking as if nothing had happened.
Looking closer, I saw their bags and jackets piled on the empty seats, and I could sense that they were silently telling me not to come over there.
My heart tightened.
But I told myself it couldn’t be helped.
Ever since this morning, just my presence had been creating an awkward atmosphere.
Just by being nearby, other people would come up to talk to me, and those kids would feel the need to be careful around me, causing the relationship we’d finally managed to build to fall apart.
So, it was only natural that they’d want me to stay away.
“…I’ll sit up front for class today.”
I don’t think they heard me say that.
I muttered it so quietly, and I sat down in one of the front seats.
The fourth row from the front.
No one was sitting in front of me—a seat I wouldn’t normally choose.
But I could hear the professor clearly, and the board was easy to see.
If I’m just here to take the class, this might actually be better.
I took my seat and opened my notebook.
I picked up my pen and listened to the professor.
I understand Japanese.
I can keep up with the class.
Even if there are words I don’t know, I can look them up later.
So even by myself, I shouldn’t have any trouble.
Yet, I couldn’t settle down at all.
“Hey, isn’t that her?”
“The one in the photo?”
“She’s prettier in person.”
“But she looks hard to talk to.”
I heard a soft voice from the back of the room.
I pretended not to hear it and lowered my gaze to my notebook.
I tried to focus only on the lecture.
But I could feel eyes on my back.
I had a sense that people were talking about me behind my back.
It doesn’t matter.
I don’t care what they think.
No matter how anyone other than Rintaro sees me, it’s none of my business.
Even though I told myself that, my heart felt heavy.
—This is such a hassle.
I want to go home soon. I want to go home and see Rintaro.
“Oh… the social gathering.”
I realized it and let out a gasp.
Today was the day Rintaro was going to the social gathering with his classmates.
So, even if I go home, no one will be there…
—If you ever have any trouble, I’ll be there to help.
I remember Rintaro saying that to me.
I know very well that wasn’t just polite talk—he meant it.
So if I say something now, he might put me before the social gathering.
He’d put me before the “normal life” he cherishes… That would be something truly special, and if I knew he cared about me that much, I might be so happy I wouldn’t know what to do with myself.
As I thought that far, it suddenly dawned on me.
—Aren’t I just like Rintaro used to be?
The moment I thought that, I felt the heat drain from my fingertips.
I’d been wondering why for so long.
Why does Rintaro try so hard to be “normal”?
When Rintaro came back to Japan, even though he could speak the language and thought he was acting normal, people saw him as a little different from everyone else.
Even though he hadn’t done anything wrong, just his presence changed the atmosphere, and little by little, he started to stand out.
I’m sure that’s how it was for Rintaro, too.
…That’s why he was trying to be normal.
So he wouldn’t stand out.
So he wouldn’t feel out of place.
So he wouldn’t become the center of strange rumors.
That’s probably how Rintaro adapted to life in Japan and learned to get by.
—Until I came to see him.
It felt like I’d been hit hard in the head.
I wanted to be special to Rintaro.
I didn’t want to be forgotten ever again, I didn’t want to be left behind—I wanted to be the most important girl in Rintaro’s life.
At home, at college.
No matter who asked, without hiding it.
I wanted Rintaro to act as if it were natural for me to be by his side.
That’s why I tried to shatter Rintaro’s “normal.”
……Without even knowing what Rintaro was thinking when he decided to be “normal.”
Even though I like Rintaro. Even though I love him so much……
I was trying to destroy the very thing Rintaro had been protecting……
My vision blurs. I can feel my face contorting.
──I’m still ugly.
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