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After school on Tuesday, Rino was waiting for me outside the school entrance.
Lately, Rino hasn’t been coming all the way to my desk like she used to. I think she’s realized that if she comes over, people will notice, and she’s also come to understand that I don’t give in easily. So today, she was standing by the flower bed on the way to the school gate. Her brown hair, which fell just below her shoulders, was slightly tousled by the wind, and only her fingers, clutching the sleeve of her school uniform cardigan, were moving restlessly.
Shiori, who was standing next to me, noticed Rino before I did.
“Minato-kun. I’ll wait a little ways ahead.”
“Is that okay?”
“Yes. It’s up to you whether you want to talk or not, Minato-kun.”
Shiori said only that and walked toward the school gate. She wasn’t pushing me away. I realized she was giving me the space I needed to face this on my own.
Rino watched Shiori’s back disappear before turning to look at me.
“Miyahara-san really has a way of handling things like that, doesn’t she?”
That was her first remark.
I’d thought she’d come to apologize, so I held my breath for a moment. Rino must have realized she’d said something she shouldn’t have right after she spoke. She immediately looked away and tucked her hair behind her ear.
“I didn’t mean that as a criticism. I just thought she was really put together. If it were me, I probably couldn’t wait like that.”
“I see.”
When I replied briefly, Rino pursed her lips in dissatisfaction. In the past, I would have added a few more words at that point—something like, “What’s that supposed to mean? Rino, you’re not in the wrong either.” Whenever Rino started to put herself down like that, I always made sure to give her a way out.
But today, I didn’t.
Rino seemed to be waiting for my reaction, but when she realized nothing was coming, she lowered her gaze to the edge of the flower bed.
“I was thinking about it at home yesterday. I think I was probably in the wrong, too, for saying those harsh things to Minato—about him being ‘convenient’ or that ‘a boyfriend is out of the question,’ and stuff like that. I meant it as a joke, but if it upset Minato, well… maybe I went too far.”
It was almost an apology.
But the phrase “I meant it as a joke” was still lingering there. The phrasing “if it bothered you” was still there, too. Even as Rino was trying to admit she was at fault, she was still trying to protect herself at the very last moment.
I wasn’t strong enough to hold that against her. Still, I couldn’t just pretend I’d accepted it and go back to the way things were.
“Yeah. It did bother me.”
Rino’s shoulders shook slightly.
I think she was probably waiting for me to say, “It wasn’t that bad.” If I’d said that, Rino would have taken just a little of the blame, and we could have gone back to the way things were before. Until just the other day, I’d thought that would be easier for me, too.
Rino tried to smile. But she couldn’t quite manage it.
“……But you know, Minato, you were too abrupt, too. You’d been acting totally normal all along, so when you suddenly said things like ‘I can’t do this’ or ‘my girlfriend comes first,’ it was a shock to me, too. If you’d told me sooner, maybe I could’ve been more careful, too.”
“I know it was my fault for not saying anything.”
“Right?”
Rino’s face brightened a little.
At that moment, I made sure to continue.
“But just because I didn’t say anything doesn’t mean I didn’t like it. I think it only seemed sudden because I’d been holding back for so long.”
Rino’s expression clouded over again.
A breeze blew, carrying the scent of soil from the flower beds. Students heading to club activities passed by a short distance away. No one spoke to us. Back in the day, just seeing Rino and me together would have been a perfectly natural sight. Now, we probably just looked like two people feeling awkward.
“Was I really that bad?”
Rino’s voice was quiet.
I couldn’t answer her question right away. If I said outright that I’d been terrible, I’d hurt Rino. If I said I hadn’t been terrible, I’d be betraying myself.
“There were times when you were terrible.”
In the end, that’s what I said.
“It wasn’t that I hated everything. There were times when I had fun with you, Rino. But just because there were good times doesn’t mean the hurtful things I said go away.”
Rino lowered her eyes.
Even after I said all that, she still didn’t apologize. Her lips moved several times. I could tell she was trying to say “I’m sorry.” But that last syllable wouldn’t come out. The moment she apologized, it would mean she truly was at fault. I suppose that’s what she was afraid of.
After a while, Rino chose different words.
“Well then, I’ll be more careful from now on. So, even if it’s just little by little, let’s go back to the way we were before—”
“It won’t go back to the way it was.”
When I cut her off, Rino froze.
She didn’t look angry. If anything, she looked like a child who’d lost something. I think she realized that even with this exchange, things wouldn’t go back to the way they were.
“…Even if I apologize?”
“If you apologize, I’ll accept it. But that doesn’t mean we’ll go back to the same distance we had before.”
“But I haven’t even apologized yet.”
“Yeah.”
When I replied like that, Rino’s face twisted.
She knew it herself. She knew she hadn’t truly apologized. She knew that even before apologizing, she was already looking for something in return. She probably knew I’d noticed that, too.
Rino clenched her fist around her sleeve.
“Minato, you’ve stopped expecting anything from me, haven’t you?”
Those words sounded less like an accusation and more like her confirming a fact she’d finally come to see.
After a moment’s hesitation, I nodded.
“I don’t have the same expectations as I used to.”
Rino’s eyes reddened.
If I’d told her I hated her, she might have been able to fight back. If I’d been angry, she could have gotten angry right back. If I’d blamed her, she could have made excuses. But when I told her I didn’t have any expectations, she had nowhere to direct her frustration.
Rino readjusted her bag and looked toward the school gate. Shiori was standing there. She was waiting quietly, just out of earshot of our conversation.
“Miyahara-san is waiting patiently, isn’t she?”
“Yeah.”
“If it were me, I probably would’ve cut in line.”
Rino gave a bitter laugh. This time, it wasn’t a laugh meant to make me deny it. It was a slightly painful laugh, one she used to admit it to herself.
“……I—”
Her voice trailed off.
I waited. I didn’t rush her. I didn’t say anything to fill in the gap for her either.
But Rino couldn’t bring herself to finish what she was saying.
“Never mind. I’m going home today.”
“Okay.”
Rino walked past me. As we passed each other, our sleeves brushed against each other ever so slightly. In the past, I wouldn’t have thought anything of that closeness. Now, even that proximity has become something I have to handle with care.
Rino walked out of the school gate and headed down the street in the opposite direction from us.
When I returned to Shiori, she didn’t ask me anything. She just looked at my face and gave a small nod.
“Shall we head home?”
“Yeah.”
We started walking side by side. At the corner a little ways ahead, I saw Rino look back just once. Before our eyes met, she quickly turned her gaze forward again.
I didn’t feel any words of blame toward Rino for not being able to apologize. Instead, what remained was a sense of weariness from clearly seeing a place I could never return to.
I walked beside Shiori. I didn’t go back to retrieve the words Rino couldn’t say.
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