Source
https://kakuyomu.jp/works/16818093075629868223/episodes/16818792438163477793
(From Kurusu’s perspective)
…Truthfully, I was just going to listen casually and brush it off casually.
The fact that he went out of his way to come see me, even working extra hours, means he must sense something off about me to some degree. And it probably means Yuzuki is worried.
If I just listen to what he’s worried about and what he wants to do about it…
Once I know that, I can just talk my way out of it. I can’t go to school for a while anyway. I can use that time to calm down and get back to normal.
I can do that. I’m not like Shiori-san, able to read between the lines, but I’m used to telling convincing lies at work.
But—
“I heard you were troubled and feeling down, so I just wanted you to smile.”
The moment I heard those words from his mouth, for some reason…
Words slipped out of my own mouth too.
(…Damn it.)
I hadn’t meant to say it.
I should have just said something like “I’m busy and tired” or “I’m stuck at work.”
Sure enough, Irie’s face beside me looked stunned, confused, apologetic—a complex mix of emotions.
Of all things, the words that came out on their own were… the words I’d been thinking all along.
Did I want to spit them out? Or couldn’t I stop myself?
But once they were out—
“…We live in different worlds.”
Like a balloon filled with water suddenly punctured, the words kept pouring out until there was nothing left inside.
“You’re in the world of school, and I’m alone in the world of society. Even when I go back, it feels like we live in different worlds. I feel alienated.”
“That’s not—”
“You think it’s nothing? Every time you talk about school… every time you talk about Yuzuki and the others, it hurts my chest!? You call this nothing!?”
We should be speaking the same language.
We’re talking about the world I know.
The feeling of being cast out from the group gnaws at my chest.
“I don’t have to stand beside you! I want to, but if that’s the choice you made, I’ll accept it… Whether it’s Yuzuki, Shiori-san, or someone else, I’ll clap and cheer for them! I want to win, but it’s a competition! If the prince chose that, I want to respect his decision!”
I’ll strive to be chosen.
My desire to stand beside him, to spend time by his side, hasn’t changed.
…Ever since that day. Ever since the day we first met, the day he saved me, my feelings have been beside the prince.
It’s frustrating, but if he chooses someone else to be happy, I think it can’t be helped, and I think it’s a joyful thing.
But… but—
“The only thing I can’t bear is you not seeing me…”
Somehow, I hadn’t meant to let it flow.
A cold sensation trickled down my cheek.
“If I stay in showbiz like this… while you go through school, graduate, go to university, and your world keeps changing. Every time the distance grows, it feels like I’m becoming a stranger to you.”
If I keep working in showbiz, I’ll probably appear in lots of media.
No matter how little time we have to meet or how few connections we have, I’m sure Irie will still see me.
But only as someone who used to be close, now just another face in the crowd.
The feeling of friendship will inevitably shift to that of mere acquaintance.
Yuzuki and Shiori-san are in the same world as him, yet I’m steadily melting into a completely different one.
“If that happens… you won’t see me as Kirishima Kurusu anymore…”
Not Kirishima Kurusu who loves Prince.
He’ll see me as Kirishima Kurusu the model.
I just can’t bear that.
“…It wasn’t supposed to be like this.”
I started modeling to find my prince, yet now it feels like I’m working just to keep my distance from him.
I know. It’s my own fault.
If my goal was just to find him, I should have quit the moment I realized he was the prince, no matter how hard it was.
But my half-hearted feelings just kept making it harder to turn back.
Even work that should have made me happy has reached a point where I can’t turn around.
“This wasn’t supposed to happen…”
Really… I shouldn’t have said this.
I just kept looking down, unable to face him properly now.
So I hurriedly wiped my tears, stood up from the swing, and turned my back to him.
“…I’m sorry, for saying such strange things.”
I wish he could forget it.
I wish he’d think it was because I was tired, or that I was covering up some other worry.
“You don’t need to walk me home. It’s… close.”
What kind of face is he making right now?
I don’t have the courage to look, nor do I deserve to see it, but I can’t help wondering.
Still, I just couldn’t muster the courage.
I wiped away the tears that welled up again and left the park, where silence stretched out.
♦♦♦
“I see, huh.”
A quiet park, left behind alone.
Swinging on the swing, I suddenly look up at the darkened sky and sink into melancholy.
(It really is my job… this.)
I finally understood what Shiori-san meant.
Why did she stop Yuzuki back then? Why did she say “I’ll leave it to you” to me?
The inner self she revealed to me, even shedding tears to show it, forces understanding upon me until I’m sick of it.
So—
“…Alright.”
—I won’t let it end like this. Absolutely not.
I won’t let it end with me showing weakness. I won’t allow it.
Not for anyone else. For myself.
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