Source
https://kakuyomu.jp/works/2912051603068864073
During lunch break the next day, Mikoto was sitting alone by the window in the classroom.
Usually, there would be two or three girls around her. Mikoto Shiraishi was the kind of person who would naturally make herself at home in the middle of the classroom—listening to someone’s love life stories or making the boys laugh with lighthearted jokes. But that day, she was just staring at her smartphone screen with her chin resting on her hand.
She had said she turned Sano down.
I didn’t ask what happened after that. I figured it wasn’t my place to pry. But judging by the look on Mikoto’s face, it seemed like something had definitely happened.
Toward the end of lunch break, on my way back from the school store, Mikoto called out to me.
“Segawa-kun, can I talk to you for a second? It’s not like we’re hiding this from Miyahara-san or anything. Just what we can talk about right here.”
Mikoto added that first.
In the past, she wouldn’t have made that kind of clarification. It was probably because she never doubted that I’d go along with whatever suited her. The mere fact that she’d started adding that sentence made me realize that something had changed.
I stood against the wall in the hallway. It was a spot where I could see the classroom entrance, and there were people around us. Shiori was reading a book at a desk a little ways away, but when she noticed me, she gave a slight nod and looked back down at her book.
“Sano-kun really understood. It got a little awkward, but he didn’t blame me or anything. It seems I was just overthinking it—I’d assumed things would get even more complicated.”
Mikoto spoke without looking at the screen, still holding her smartphone with both hands.
“I was scared before I turned him down. I didn’t want to hurt him, but more than that, I didn’t want the atmosphere around me to change. To be honest, it was a little easier when Sano-kun liked me. I felt like if I just didn’t respond, I could avoid being the bad guy.”
Those words sounded as if she were trying to convince herself.
I listened in silence. I didn’t think what Mikoto needed right now was someone to comfort her immediately.
“I might have done the same thing to Segawa-kun, too.”
At that moment, Mikoto finally looked at me.
Her loosely curled hair was neatly styled as usual. But there were dark circles under her eyes, as if she hadn’t gotten enough sleep. The cheerful expression she usually put on wasn’t quite working today.
“I didn’t want Segawa-kun to fall for me. I probably didn’t even feel that strongly about him. But I wanted him to be the boy who understood me best—someone who wouldn’t get angry when I talked about other boys, who would listen carefully when I was in trouble, but who wouldn’t make things too serious. That’s way too convenient, isn’t it?”
Mikoto tried to smile, but her voice trembled slightly.
I looked out the window. On the schoolyard, first-year students were chasing a ball. The ordinary sight of a typical lunch break only served to highlight the weight of our conversation.
“You didn’t just want to be friends, Mikoto. You wanted a relationship where I put you first, didn’t you?”
The moment I said it, Mikoto’s fingers clenched tightly around the edge of her phone.
It might have been a harsh way to put it. But if I left things vague, we’d just end up back where we started. Deep down, I might even want that to happen. After all, the part of me that was happy when Mikoto relied on me hasn’t completely disappeared yet.
Mikoto didn’t deny it right away.
“……I think so.”
Her voice was quiet.
“I used to think that if we were just friends, everything would look perfect. Since we’re not lovers, you don’t have to take responsibility. But since we’re friends, I want you to treat me with care. Since we’re friends, I want you to listen to my problems. Since we’re friends, even if you get a girlfriend, I want you to keep a place for me. When I put it into words like that, I guess I’m pretty greedy, huh?”
“I never said I didn’t like that, either. There were times when I was happy to be relied on.”
“That’s exactly the point.”
Mikoto gave a slight, wry smile.
“Segawa-kun, even when it’s my fault, you always look for your own share of the blame, don’t you? I think I was taking advantage of that. Whenever I looked a little troubled, you’d assume there was something you’d done wrong too. That’s why I never had to be the bad guy until the very end.”
If she could admit that much herself, there wasn’t much left for me to hold against her.
But even so, that didn’t mean our relationship would go back to the way it was.
Mikoto probably understood that, too. She glanced briefly at Shiori in the classroom, then quickly looked away.
“Miyahara-san is strong, isn’t she? If it were me, I’d probably make a much more displeased face if my boyfriend were talking to another girl. But she just watches quietly and lets Segawa-kun be the one to say something. I’ve sometimes thought she was being sneaky, but I guess that’s not it. She can wait because she trusts him.”
“Shiori gets anxious, too.”
“Yeah. That’s true. I just didn’t notice it.”
Mikoto exhaled deeply.
“I think I need to apologize to Miyahara, too. It might not be possible right away, though. What I said about her keeping Minato-kun tied down—that wasn’t true. If anyone was keeping him tied down, it was actually me.”
She started to say “Minato-kun,” but her voice didn’t switch back to “Segawa-kun” midway.
Mikoto seemed to notice this herself, covering her mouth with a slightly awkward expression. In the past, she might have joked about that closeness and laughed it off. But now, even a single word had its limits.
“Sorry. That was weird.”
“It’s fine as long as you realize it.”
“Yeah. I’ll be careful.”
Mikoto put her smartphone back in her bag. Her expression looked as if she’d given up on something, but she wasn’t completely downcast. It was the face of someone who had finally realized the weight of what she’d been holding in her own hands.
“Segawa-kun, is it okay if I still talk to you normally in class from now on?”
“As long as it’s normal. As long as it’s not something you’d hide behind a bookmark, or something that makes me feel like I’m getting special treatment.”
“Got it. ‘Normal’ is actually pretty hard, isn’t it?”
“I just figured that out myself.”
Mikoto smiled slightly. This time, her smile didn’t seem meant to appear cheerful, but rather to acknowledge her own patheticness.
The prep bell rang, and the students in the hallway began returning to their classrooms. Mikoto started toward her seat, but turned around halfway.
“I was probably the most greedy of all. I didn’t want to be your girlfriend, but I wanted you to treat me like a girlfriend and put me first.”
I didn’t say anything.
Mikoto wasn’t looking for a response. I think she just needed to admit it to herself. After saying that, she finally headed back to her seat.
I entered the classroom too. Shiori closed her book and looked at me.
“Did you get to talk to her?”
“Yeah. It seemed like Mikoto realized it on her own.”
Shiori nodded slightly.
I wouldn’t be returning to the seat where I’d been Mikoto’s special confidant. But perhaps she was no longer just someone I hated. As I sat down, thinking that, Mikoto, sitting by the window, glanced my way just once before immediately looking back at the front of the classroom. It wasn’t a glance meant to call me back—it was a glance meant to signal that she was returning to her own place..
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